Yes, it's one of those days again. And before we go any further I'd like to just say that I do not regret being a mother, ever. I love it. I love my son, all the time. I will never stop loving him, no matter what. I knew ahead of time that it wouldn't be easy, being a first-time mommy. I expected days like these. I just need to let off a little steam. Please, bear with me.
Like I said, one of those days again. I'm sure any mommy (or even daddy) knows exactly what sort of day I mean. The day where you are just so tired, your body aches, and the baby won't stop crying and won't nap - though he needs one bad. For the record, as I'm writing this, Benjamin is asleep. Otherwise, I doubt I'd be able to sit here very long at all to even type out a sentence. I think he knows it's Monday too, and he woke up dreading it just as much as I did. Who isn't cranky on a Monday?
Today was particularly bad. I don't know what it is lately, but my back has been killing me. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the heavy almost-6-month-old who loves for his mommy to carry him everywhere. I've been looking for a good baby carried that I can easily wear around the house without having to fuss with buckles and all that. I found one I liked on eBay, but we are having to wait till the check goes through the bank.
Benjamin just would not nap this morning. I was feeling particularly stressed out, a few tears rolling down my face, when Carl told me he'd lay down with Benjamin and let me take a shower. I just felt like escaping. Like I said in my previous post, I considered the window. I would never give up my job as a mommy, never, but sometimes I just ache for a little bit of time off. Just a little. I just want to treat myself sometimes. Every time I think about myself, though, I feel selfish. I think daily about all the nice cloth diapers I want [and need as well] to buy Benjamin, and then today I just realized I'm wearing my husband's basketball shorts and a t-shirt that I have had for 5+ years. And this isn't just today. This is my usual sort of attire about 4-5 days a week. My name has hit rock-bottom on the list of priorities.
And yet I tear up writing this because I feel so selfish.
It meant a lot to me yesterday when my dad told me the house looked a lot different than it did the last time they visited. He said he could tell I had worked hard, and I had. I also intend to work hard to keep it this way. That's the hard part. Organization is not my forte.
But, I'm trying. We're all some sort of work in progress, aren't we?
Anyway, I do feel better after getting this off my chest.
I'm so glad you used your journal to "vent" and to have a chance to write out some of your frustrations, thoughts, etc. sometimes us moms tend to keep it all inside of us.
ReplyDeletebabies have an incredible knack of knowing if we are stressed or under the weather, they just don't want to cooperate and do anything they normally would do, like nap, or they'll be extra fussy, etc
don't think you are selfish if you want some time off or want something nice for yourself. I hope you are getting some time to yourself, even if it is just an hour or two a week, but you need to have a chance to have some "alone" time where you can regroup and recharge, even if it is simple like going window shopping at the mall, or reading a book in the library, grabbing a coffee and sitting outside alone with some peace and quiet. And maybe you can trade off kids with a friend of yours so that you guys can have alone time without having to pay for a babysitter.
hugs to you! you are doing a wonderful job mothering Benjamin; just make sure you take a bit of time for yourself
betty
If I didn't live halfway across the world from you, I would totally come over and play with your baby for a few hours while you climbed out the window and got lost for a while. :) Hang in there! Galatians 6:9
ReplyDeleteAwh thanks Julia!
ReplyDeleteAnd you too Betty! You are always very encouraging!