refocus ⇌ renew

it’s been on my chalkboard wall for weeks. i have walked past this verse {psalm 51:10} for weeks and i have thought it over and over and i have sang it over and over and over and i have taught it to my five-year-old and i have wondered why do i feel so far from Him? when my life has felt more chaotic now than ever, when my emotions have been stretched out and thin and my patience has been nearly non-existent, on the days where i just want to S C R E A M and hide and run and eat a lot of bad food, i have felt so far from God and i would and do wonder WHY do i feel so far from Him when i have asked this of Him – PLEASE GOD. i want to be closer to YOU. i want a better relationship with YOU and i want to be filled to the brim with YOU.

and yet i keep doing what i always do, just sort of skimming by, not really doing my part in things. not taking the time to actually reach out to God – i already know He is reaching for me. but am i reaching back?

i want God to be what is most important to me – above carl and above benjamin and above clara and above thirty-one and above myself but myself just keeps getting in the way and i am filled with myself and not filled with HIM. i want God to be what is important to me, but does my life show that?

my life gets chaotic when my focus shifts and i am tired of feeling out of control and tired of grasping desperately for control – please Lord, please take control. i. don’t. want. it. i want peace and i want calm.

no no no.

i need peace.

i need calm.

i need to refocus.

this is me, confessing my struggles, asking for prayers, and making myself accountable.

create in me a clean heart, oh God
and renew a right spirit within me
create in me a clean heart, oh God
and renew a right spirit within me

and cast me not away from your presence, oh Lord
and take not Your Holy Spirit from me
restore to me the joy of your salvation
and renew a right spirit within me