perfect timing.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you have something weighing heavily on your mind and then all of the sudden, something someone says or does, or perhaps something you see, is exactly what you needed at that very moment?

This just happened to me.

I had seriously opened up Windows Live Writer to write a blog post to open up a bit about how my PTSD/depression had been “treating me” lately.

It’s better than before, most of the time. I get up and take my antidepressant every day {I think… I’m so tired that some days I can’t remember whether or not I’ve taken it} and can’t help but feel a little resentful toward that little pill for having to “rely” on it to be able to function. When it was prescribed to me, I felt the same way… defeated and irritated at myself for having to take medication for something I didn’t fully understand, and still don’t sometimes.

But there are times when my anxiety gets the better of me, still. It makes me feel a little over protective of Clara, especially in the evenings when she is extra fussy. Her crying makes my anxiety spike a bit and I admit that pretty much every night, I will end up in tears myself because the anxiety is overwhelming.

I think I’ve sort of closed in on myself again. The focus isn’t on me, it’s on Clara, and my problems just have to be tucked away until there’s a more ‘convenient’ time to deal with them. I know I shouldn’t do this. I know it only makes it worse. Dealing with this makes me feel so isolated, like nobody understands me. It’s hard when you feel like you have to fight something alone, when a lot of days it feels bigger than you.

Which brings me around to what I was talking about earlier, coming across something at the right time. I was looking on Facebook {as Clara was crying and making my anxiety spike just a little more} and came across an image with this caption: “Are you discouraged or feeling alone? Please know you never out of God's sight. (Psalm 139:3) God loves you.”

 

I needed that tonight. I’m not as isolated as I think, and God is way bigger than my anxieties and setbacks. He’s way bigger than that little pill and I rely on Him, not it.

Sometimes I lose sight of this, but thank God He never loses sight of me.

Clara, you are one month old!

Oh sweet baby girl. I can’t believe it has been one month already since you were born. It’s gone by fast but it’s also gone by slow, depending on what we’ve had going on. I’d love to say that we’ve found a nice routine, but every time I think we do, you seem to switch it up on us a little bit. Of course, I know that’s just how you little babies roll. Mommy just needs to remember how to roll with it.

So far, you are up to 9lbs 2oz, at least at your last appointment. You don’t go back until you are two months old, so hopefully you’ll have gained more by then as well. You are still wearing some newborn clothes but you’re starting to get into your 0-3 month clothes because you’re getting a little long for the newborn size.

Smiles are very rare but very sweet when you happen to give them. You’re finding that you can make noises without crying. You’re grasping more and staying awake for longer periods of time {it’d be awesome if this wasn’t between 2 and 6 am, just saying…}. You look around for voices when you hear them and your head control is really impressive!

You don’t like being manipulated into anything, like clothes, your car seat, your swing buckle, and anything else that forces you to put your arms or legs through something. Hopefully soon you’ll get used to your seat and everything so you don’t flip out when we have to go somewhere.

You love to look at Benjamin when he is around and I think it is so sweet how you will turn to look at him when he is near, talking to you. He loves you so much and I can tell that you love him as well.

Hopefully soon we’ll do better with our fussy nights. Really, though, we are blessed that all we really have to deal with is a few hours of fussiness as you fight sleep. Thank you for reminding me that there are things more important than cleaning house, such as loving on my babies and soaking up those precious moments.

“half blind”.

I’ve been getting a lot of people asking me how my eye is doing since I really haven’t been talking much about it as I’ve had a much cuter subject to talk about recently… I figured I’d give you all an update, although it really isn’t much of one.

My eye is pretty much the same. Some days are better, some days are worse, depending on what I do or even how I slept the night before. Basically the way my retina doctor described it was as if it were a pool of muddy water. The more I do, the more “stirred up” it gets and the more visible the hemorrhage is in my eye, the blurrier my vision, etc. I don’t know if I’m just getting used to the way it looks with the hemorrhage in my vision, or if it’s actually reabsorbing, but some days it seems like there is less blood blocking my vision.

I never made it back to my retina doctor because they wanted to do a dye test on me, and the dye would stay in my system for three days – meaning that I would have to pump three days’ worth milk for Clara before hand, and then pump and dump for three days afterward. Since this eye problem isn’t getting any worse, and doesn’t seem detrimental, we decided to put it off until it seems more “doable” for us.

So … that’s where we are. It’s annoying, but I guess you take what you’re given, right?

Here are a few things that are really hard to do when you’re “half blind”, in case you were wondering:

• Putting on makeup. Especially eye makeup, especially on my right eye since I can’t see what I’m doing, at all. So if you see me and my right eye makeup looks like Benjamin applied it… it’s because it’s like putting on make up while having to look into the dirtiest mirror possible. Oh, and without any depth perception. So eye-stabbing with eyeliner is inevitable.
• Painting fingernails/toenails. Even if I close one eye to try and concentrate on my nails, it’s really difficult to gauge distance when I really don’t have any depth perception. Seriously my nails look hilarious if I don’t take my time, and I mean a LOT of time.
• Cooking. Pouring things oftentimes results in things being spilled all over the counter. This is another thing I have to be careful to take my time doing… nobody wants undercooked food because the cook couldn’t see it. Chopping things? That’s scary. I’m afraid I’ll cut my finger off whenever I start chopping.
• Sweeping/Vacuuming. I miss a lot of the small things when I vacuum or sweep now. {Of course, I don’t vacuum right now because our amazing vacuum is a little heavy and I don’t want to set myself back in my recovery}. And no, this isn’t an excuse for having dirty floors! ha!
• Dishes. Seriously not fun reaching into the dishwasher and hoping you grab the right end of a knife!
• Reading. It’s so hard for my eyes to focus that I can’t read for long periods of time. And typing? Worse. This blog post alone has taken a few days for me to put together! Yes, it’s that bad!

However… no matter how difficult things get, I am thankful that it isn’t worse. I was so afraid when I went to the retina doctor that he would say I had indicators of retinitis pigmentosa, which is an eye disease that my mother has. Thankful to God that he said there was no indication of RP!

So now, we wait to see if my eye will reabsorb the blood, or if I will need to have it drained surgically and filled with saline… gross, I know. Blah. I hate thinking of it.

In case you were wondering… things that are difficult while holding a clingy newborn while you are nearly half-blind:

• Everything.

Wordless Wednesday: Soft

 

adjusting… pt 2.

I know I was asking for it when I said yesterday that things were going really well as far as adjusting was going.

Wouldn’t you know that today was a really difficult day? Maybe it was because last night, miss Clara decided she wanted to be awake more than she was asleep, and her favorite thing to do while she is awake is to nurse. Being awake is exhausting enough but spending that time nursing is even more so. Don’t get me wrong – I know I am blessed with this sweet child and I tell myself very frequently what a blessing it is to have this little one to depend on me {I know I’ve mentioned it in previous posts and I hope I’m not tiring y’all out by saying it so often… I’m trying to ingrain it within me, ha!}.

But today was hard. I think perhaps both kids sort of fed off of my “I’m-too-tired-for-this” vibes, because both were giving me a run for my money. One would not let me put her down for anything – and like I said earlier, her favorite thing to do is nurse… and the other was acting out, which I assume is just something that comes along with him adjusting to not having all the attention on him anymore.

I told myself several times throughout the day that we are all adjusting to the new changes in our home life here. The dynamic is different. We’re learning more about each other as a new baby, as a mommy to a newborn and a preschooler, and a big brother who just a couple weeks ago was an only child.

Yes, I did wash my hair with body wash when I finally was able to get a shower today {at 5PM, by the way}.

I am pretty sure I’m losing my mind.

And there’s a possibility that tomorrow could be better… could be the same… or could be worse. Who knows?

Pray for us all as we continue to take on the ups and downs of adjusting!

However… I didn’t mention the sweet moments… they were there as well. I am hoping to do better at focusing more on those, instead of the moments that have me wanting to rip my hair out.

For now, both kids are asleep. Who knows how long that will last for the littlest one? I’m enjoying the quiet evening with my husband, making plans in my head for the coming day, knowing that I most likely won’t get to do half the things I want to do… but I can at least attempt them.

Here’s to adjusting… and for quiet evenings no matter how long they happen to last!

adjusting.

Today was the first day that I was alone with both kiddos while Carl was at work. I have to say that I was super nervous last night when I was thinking about it. How in the world would I somehow take care of both children and have us all three survive to the end of the night?! Would I have the patience to take care of a clingy, needy newborn and an active, excited preschooler?

To be honest, though, it wasn’t so bad at all. Of course, Clara slept a lot {I am working on not holding her while she sleeps and letting her nap in her pack-n-play so that she gets used to that}, and Benjamin went to run errands after lunch with Carl so that gave me a bit of a break. I did laundry, I went through Benjamin’s clothes to clean out the stuff he’s outgrown {I feel like I just did this… he must be hitting some growth spurts!}, all while taking care of both children… I gotta say, I feel like superwoman or something! When Carl got home from work, we went on a family walk and then I made dinner! And just now as I’m sitting down, I’m finally starting to feel sleepy from a long day of being a mom and wife.

I know that there will probably be a moment tonight when I’ll be trying to get Clara to get back to sleep after one of her night feedings, where I’ll feel like crying because I’m tired… but I know that I am blessed to have someone who depends completely upon me for the time being. It’s hard sometimes not feeling frustrated when you’re desperately tired, but I constantly remind myself that I’m going to miss this when it’s over, just like I miss when Benjamin was so small.

Of course, Benjamin at this age was a lot different than Clara is. It’s really interesting to already see how different they are. Benjamin was a really easy baby. He’d be content just laying there, or sitting in his bouncer. But not Clara. The little madam must be held by mommy throughout the day, or you will hear of her displeasure.

It’s an adjustment, but it’s honestly not as hard as I thought it would be, and I am enjoying it as much as I can.

just a season.

Today we dropped my mom off at the train station after two weeks of her being around to help out with Benjamin and the house as I have been recovering from surgery and attempting to take the infamous advice that everyone gives new mothers, “Sleep when the baby sleeps”. The past couple of weeks have been very good ones in terms of recovery. It’s also been really nice to have my mom around in the first place because she is one of my best friends and I miss being closer to home and seeing her more often.

So, now we are on our own for a little while until Carl’s mother comes for a visit… and I’m not really nervous about taking care of two kids and the house {as best as my recovery allows… I’m not going to push anything because at my appointment today, my doctor said everything is healing up perfectly and I certainly don’t want to reverse that}, it’s just that I’m … tired.

Like, really tired.

I’m starting to remember what it’s like to have a newborn in the house {not a bad thing!} and just how exhausted you can be because of it. It can be frustrating when you need rest and can’t always get what you need because you have a baby that wants to nurse every hour.

At times where I have wanted to sit down and cry, I’ve had to remind myself that this is just a season. At some point, the cluster feedings will end. And then, the nursing will end all together. And then, Clara will be busy toddling around and won’t want to be the cuddlebug that she is now. And then, she’ll be big like Benjamin and getting ready to start school…

It’s just a season, and while it’s a frustrating one, it’s a blessing to have someone who depends so entirely on you.

And it sort of reminds me about how the Bible tells us we’re to be like little children… and how dependent we are supposed to be on God, and how we are supposed to rely on Him for everything. and trust Him for everything.

So maybe it’s all a lesson to me about how I need to be more like Clara, and Benjamin, and put all my trust into my Heavenly Father… maybe it’s a lesson to me to try and emulate my Heavenly Father by caring for my children, no matter the things that may frustrate me {because I am certain that there are things I do that probably make God sigh}.

Perspective. I needed that.