refocus ⇌ renew

it’s been on my chalkboard wall for weeks. i have walked past this verse {psalm 51:10} for weeks and i have thought it over and over and i have sang it over and over and over and i have taught it to my five-year-old and i have wondered why do i feel so far from Him? when my life has felt more chaotic now than ever, when my emotions have been stretched out and thin and my patience has been nearly non-existent, on the days where i just want to S C R E A M and hide and run and eat a lot of bad food, i have felt so far from God and i would and do wonder WHY do i feel so far from Him when i have asked this of Him – PLEASE GOD. i want to be closer to YOU. i want a better relationship with YOU and i want to be filled to the brim with YOU.

and yet i keep doing what i always do, just sort of skimming by, not really doing my part in things. not taking the time to actually reach out to God – i already know He is reaching for me. but am i reaching back?

i want God to be what is most important to me – above carl and above benjamin and above clara and above thirty-one and above myself but myself just keeps getting in the way and i am filled with myself and not filled with HIM. i want God to be what is important to me, but does my life show that?

my life gets chaotic when my focus shifts and i am tired of feeling out of control and tired of grasping desperately for control – please Lord, please take control. i. don’t. want. it. i want peace and i want calm.

no no no.

i need peace.

i need calm.

i need to refocus.

this is me, confessing my struggles, asking for prayers, and making myself accountable.

create in me a clean heart, oh God
and renew a right spirit within me
create in me a clean heart, oh God
and renew a right spirit within me

and cast me not away from your presence, oh Lord
and take not Your Holy Spirit from me
restore to me the joy of your salvation
and renew a right spirit within me

Running Toward God

Up until tonight, I have had a hard time dealing with bitterness and anger concerning the situation we’ve been having to deal with for the last two and a half weeks. I have been confused about why this has happened to my family, why God would allow us to face such uncertainty when we have a baby and a 4-year-old to provide for. Who are we to have to leave our home, our friends, our community?

But who am I to think that I should be exempt from any hardships? Who am I to think that my family shouldn’t have to face uncertainties? I am nothing, I am no better than anyone else.

But my God is everything. my God is powerful, my God cares and has told me that He WILL provide (Matthew 6:25-33).

Sometimes we are put in trials and the only thing we can really do is to run toward God. Maybe that is the lesson I’m supposed to take from this, or at least one of them. To run toward God.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower;
the righteous man runs into it and is safe.
Proverbs 18:10

So, up until tonight, I struggled with anger and “why me” and bitterness… but now, how can I be angry? I’m running toward God and what really could be wrong with running toward God? So maybe I should rejoice instead. I’m sad for the friends we are leaving behind. It makes me so incredibly sad to think about  that. But at the same time, I’m rejoicing, because I’m running toward God, and I know He will take care of us. Because He always has.

buckling.

I am so stressed out.

For a while I thought I was doing pretty well with my stress. My antidepressants have helped me keep a rational head on most of the time. I haven’t had nearly as many meltdowns as I thought I perhaps would. I haven’t been freaking out about my c-section and have actually been looking forward to it – not because I don’t think it’s a big deal but because I know it will be so much better for me physically and mentally than trying a normal birth again. I’ve been trying to have a good attitude about my eye problem that just popped up out of nowhere. I’ve done my very best to take all our car issues that we’ve had in the past few months in stride, as well as Benjamin’s new asthma diagnosis. I have been trying really hard to just trust in God to take care of us no matter what. I’ve leaned on Him and on our wonderful friends here and on my amazing husband and my loving family back in Georgia so much that I know if I tried to stop, I’d probably fall flat on my face. And I guess that isn’t a bad thing.

But I’ve gotten to the point where I just feel like there is too much going on right now. How much more of this can I handle? How much more will I be expected to handle? How am I supposed to be able to get through all of this, and care for a newborn, and recover from a c-section? What happens if my eye issue is a lot worse than we thought it was, or what if something goes wrong with the c-section, or what if something is wrong with baby C…

What if, what if, what if???

I know that a lot of my fears are unfounded. I know that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I struggle with high anxiety. I know I worry myself too much about little things or things that really have no reason to be worried over in the first place. I know that I have an amazing support system and God is heading it up.

I’m trying to adjust my sails in these storms. I’ve certainly not perfected this, but I’m trying. I know that it won’t be easy. I know that I haven’t shed the last of my tears. I know that I’m going to be sick with nerves tomorrow when we drive an hour to my retinal evaluation. I know I won’t be able to sleep Thursday night before my c-section. I know.

But I also know that God will always be there with me and for me, and that at least gives me a measure of confidence that likely wouldn’t be there if I didn’t know it or believe it.

I’m stressed out and I feel myself buckling under the weight from time to time, but I believe it.

I am Blessed.

{found on pinterest}

When you have a million hormones warring against each other and your sanity, it’s easy to let the negative ones get the better of you from time to time. It’s one of the downsides of pregnancy, at least in my experience {which would be nearly 1 year total so far}. There have been times when I have found myself thinking “Who in the world AM I?” because I don’t recognize myself amidst the floods of tears {that honestly happen way more than I am comfortable admitting}, the flurries of anger, and those moments when patience just SNAPS.

I know it’s normal. I still don’t like it. I don’t like feeling pretty happy one moment, to waaaay down in the dumps the next, to HULK!SMASH the very next. Who would? It’s exhausting!

There is one thing that does help me, and that is to sit down and realized how blessed I am. Blessed. Me. The crazy, moody, if-looks-could-kill-you’d-be-dead pregnant chick. I really am blessed, beyond measure. I know I could never count them, but I’m going to at least list a few that I’ve been thinking about lately.

.I am blessed with new life growing inside me, being formed, “fearfully and wonderfully made” {Psa 139:14}, and no matter how many bad days I have, I know that the end result is worth more than that one-hundred times over.

.I am blessed with a sweet, sweet three-year-old, who prays for me every night to feel better, who gives me kisses all the time and asks me if I still feel sick. He is so filled with compassion and has such a gentle, kind spirit. I am so blessed to have my sweet Benjamin!

.I am blessed with a caring, loving husband who has gone above and beyond, even on top of everything else he has to do, to take care of me and the baby and Benjamin. I know that if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be able to get through this. He is always asking me if he can help or get me something, or if I just need someone to bawl all over, he is there, no matter how silly the reason.

.I am blessed with a mother and a mother-in-law who have both sacrificed of their own time and money {yeah, it isn’t cheap coming from Georgia to Alabama!} to come and help out around the house while I have been so sick. I shudder to think of what my house would look like if neither of them had taken the time to come down… seriously… it would not be pretty, and I am forever grateful that they did!

.I am blessed with wonderful, caring friends who don’t mind my hormonal texts looking for a little reassurance, or chat with me on facebook to help keep my mind off of feeling sick! It really does make the time go by so much easier!

.Okay, a material blessing, but I really am thankful for my Kindle. I’ve been able to do a lot more studying with it, thanks to a larger font size that doesn’t make me {too} dizzy. I’ve been able to knock out a bit of my to-read list. It’s kept me occupied and I’ve really been enjoying it.

…. I know that all these blessings come from Christ – the Ultimate Blessing, if you ask me – and I am so thankful to God that I can sit down and name a few off the top of my head like this. He really has been mindful of me, and I know that He is taking care of me.

Feeling pretty blessed this evening… not to mention pretty tired, but you know, even that is a blessing… maybe I’ll actually sleep good tonight! Ha!

A New Chapter

So, it appears that we are entering a new chapter in our lives! I know that it has  been a long while since I have blogged, but you’ll have to excuse me! I’ve been so tired! For good reason!

Yep! That’s right! We’re expecting Baby #2! I have yet to see a doctor but hopefully very soon we’ll be getting in. From what I’ve figured up (thanks to the lovely internet and the tools it provides!), our due date is March 29th! Which is pretty cool, because it is my cousin’s birthday and two days before my brother’s birthday as well!

I know some of you may remember when I posted about my {struggles trying to conceive}, how discouraged I had gotten, etc. Anyway, it has been ten long months but we are finally being blessed and we couldn’t be happier! Seriously, we are over the moon with joy! I have been feeling nauseous and tired the past few days to a week, but I just can’t help but to be too happy to really care much {uh, unless I’m in the car and feeling carsick, bleh!}.

If you would, please pray for me and often! It is still very early. Please pray that Baby will be healthy and will grow like its supposed to, and that I will as well, ha! And add in some praise for God blessing us, too!

Oh, you may be wondering about Benjamin! Well, bless his heart, we didn’t tell him until we were ready to tell everyone else because Benjamin is notorious for spilling secrets immediately. But, we made him a t-shirt Sunday afternoon to help us announce to our families and our church family.

He is so proud and so happy to be a big brother. I am very confident that Benjamin is going to be an awesome big brother because he is a big helper already and loves to be helpful! He also loves his baby friends already.

We are so excited to begin this new chapter in our life as a family! To God be the glory!

{hmmm… I suppose I’ll have to think of a new blog name, too… taking ideas, lol!}

Morning Glories : Meditate!

“Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.” Psalm 1:1-2

Yesterday’s verse had to do with ‘oh how happy’ is the man, and so does today’s! I had a different verse picked out, one that was stuck in my head all day yesterday, but then I got to thinking about these two verses, mainly because of what verse two says about meditating on the law of the Lord. The reason this really stuck out to me was because yesterday I had a different Psalm stuck in my head and I found myself thinking about it all day and I did find that I was pretty much happy all day long.

These two verses say that the man who doesn’t walk in the counsel of the ungodly, who doesn’t stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of the scornful is a happy man – because his delight is in the law of the Lord and he meditates on it day and night. I found this to be true with me yesterday! As long as I had my thoughts on scripture, on godly thoughts, on things that really uplifted me… I was happy!

So I will share with you the verse that was ‘stuck’ in my head all day long, which I thought about as I went about my way:

“This is the day that the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

Keep that in your heart today and think about it every chance you get and see if you don’t feel happy. Doesn’t that verse, just reading it, bring a smile to your face? Each and every day that we wake up to is a blessing from God and we should rejoice and be glad in it! We may be dealing with many trials all at once, we may be sick or have sick loved ones, or maybe we just don’t feel like we got enough sleep… maybe we are dealing with money issues or find ourselves without a job, but just think… God has blessed you with another day on this earth. 

Why not make the best of it while you can? Rejoice. Be glad in it. You are able to choose the mood that you are in, why not choose to be thankful to God? See if you don’t feel blessed if you do.

I hope you all face the new day with a mind to meditate on God’s word! Have a blessed day!

Morning Glories : Be Blessed!

I said I would bring these back, and here we are! For a bit I'm going to repost some old ones as I get back in the habit!

“Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD,
and whose hope the LORD is.” Jeremiah 17:7

I always enjoy the passages that open up with “Blessed is the man…” because it always brings a smile to my face. I know that whatever is going to follow that phrase is going to be something good. I love that the word “blessed” is literally translated as “oh how happy!”. “Oh how happy is the man that trusteth in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD is.” How can you read that passage and others like it and not feel happy?

Trusting in God is something that I have had to learn to do ‘the hard way’. I never really knew what it meant to trust in God until I had no other option than to do just that. But as soon as I did, things just … fell into place and I did become happy because I knew that God was taking care of me – I did have hope!

Our God is an awesome God! He cares for me, and He cares for YOU! I pray that today whatever might be weighing our minds down, we might give it up to God and let Him take the burden off of us. Trust in God! Find your hope in Him and let yourself be blessed!

I hope you all have a beautiful day! 

savior lead me.

I love this song and wanted to share it! Sometimes we need to remember that God is the one who should be leading us, not the other way around. I know I need the reminder from time to time.

Savior, lead me, lest I stray
Gently lead me all the way 
I am safe when by Thy side 
I would in Thy love abide.

Lead me, lead me, Savior
Lead me lest I stray
Gently down the stream of time
Lead me, Savior, all the way.

Thou the refuge of my soul 
When life's stormy billows roll 
I am safe when Thou art nigh
All my hopes on Thee rely.

Lead me, lead me, Savior
Lead me lest I stray
Gently down the stream of time
Lead me, Savior, all the way.

Savior, lead me, then at last
When the storm of life is past
To the land of endless day
Where all tears are wiped away.

Lead me, lead me, Savior 
Lead me lest I stray 
Gently down the stream of time 
Lead me, Savior, all the way.

(Friday) Favorites

I decided to join in with the lovely ladies Rachel and her daughter Hannah by posting about my favorite things that I am thinking of this Friday. Won’t you join in?

Here are my (Friday) Favorite Things:

{My Boys}

being content,
learning,
growing,
loving.

{The Springtime}

the bright colors,
new life,
warm sunshine,
fragrant flowers,

playing outside.

{Giggles}

playing,
exploring,
expressing,
joyfulness.

{Peace}

{Patience}

prayer.

God’s love and patience toward us.
A thoughtful husband who prays with me and loves me.
A sweet boy who is learning and growing.
My long-distance family.
My wonderful friends.

Love, peace, joy, hope.

All favorites.

The Lord Has Been Mindful Of Me

Being a preacher's wife means a lot of things.

.It means that people will look at you differently, in the church and in the community.
.It means that people will hold you to a higher standard, no matter how wrong it may be.
.It means that you share in the joy and trials of others on a more personal level.
.It means that you may see more of the good, bad, and ugly of the people around you.
.It means your heart swells with pride when you hear the truth being spoken from your husband's lips, and even more so when they compliment your husband in front of you.
.It means you stand behind your husband and with him endure criticism, ridicule, and false accusations.


It's a blessing, it truly is, to be a preacher's wife. But any life isn't without it's troubles.

Right now my family is enduring troubles, and I ask you all to keep us in your prayers as we get through this. My husband has been terminated as the preacher where we have been for nearly 2 years, and we are now looking for somewhere else to go. In the coming weeks we will be packing and looking for another place, but most of all praying. Please keep us in your prayers!!

God is worthy of all our praise, no matter what the circumstance!

Though I, through the valley of shadow, O’er mountain or troubled sea,
And oft in the darkness, have traveled, The Lord has been mindful of me.
Much more than my grief and my sorrow, Much more than adversity,
Much more than the all I have given, The Lord has been mindful of me.
I’m rich! I am saved! I am happy! I’ve health and prosperity!
I’ve friends! I have doors ever open! The Lord has been mindful of me.
The Lord has been mindful of me! He blesses and blesses again!
My God is the God of the living! How excellent is His name!

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits; even the God of our salvation" (Ps. 68:19)

PS - if I am a bit absent on here, now you know why!

To GOD Be The Glory

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases,
His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning;
great is Thy faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in Him."
Lamentations 3:22-24



I have been blessed beyond comprehension! I was just thinking today that all I ever wanted for my life once I realized where my priorities were was to be a godly wife and a godly mother - and I am living my dream! I'm attempting to at least! I am so blessed, so entirely happy! My life isn't perfect and it isn't without it's troubles. There are things that I wish we had or could do but we are just waiting for God's good timing - because His way is always the perfect way. How relieving it is to know that I'm not in control! God is my pilot!

To GOD be the glory, great things HE has done! I have been blessed with a wonderful, loving family and I couldn't be happier tonight! God is so good!

am I too blessed to be stressed?

Today I just have not felt myself. I have been feeling sluggish and tired, grumpy and irritable. Like every last thing was just wearing down my patience to the point where I just wanted to throw in the towel. I was trying to think why on earth do I feel this way, today, on a Thursday?

Well, I'm not just grumpy because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I had no trouble getting up this morning. I have come to the conclusion, and this should have been obvious to me, that I am stressed. I wish I could tell you all the things that are bogging me down, but a lot has to do with family issues, which I'm not going to disclose here. I feel worried and burdened. I feel worried and burdened about financial things. I don't like complaining because I know there are so many other people in the world and even nation who are worse off than we are. But it is scary to realize that if something major happened in our life, say a bad wreck or our car broke down and was irreparable, that's it. I wish we could save money but there is no way we can put aside anything and still be able to pay bills or buy groceries and other necessities. We don't eat out a lot, we don't buy stuff we don't need, we don't go grocery shopping every week even. I think it has been about 2 weeks since we have gone shopping, actually.

But we're not needing anything right now, either. Maybe the other week when we drove forever to find a doctor to go to that wouldn't cost an arm and a leg since we don't have insurance. We didn't find one, by the way, but we're 99.9% well again. We try so hard to make the best of our situation but there are just times when I feel stressed and worried and wish there was some way to ease the burden.

I feel so stressed because while I was sick, the house didn't get cleaned like it should have, and it has taken me a while to get caught up. I am still not caught up, and it is only getting messier and messier. I am trying so hard. But I feel like everything I do is completely undone in the following 15 minutes and it is frustrating. I am not one who is very good at cleaning in the first place, and whenever the tornado follows around behind me and makes every place look like a disaster area before I can even get out of the room, I'm so discouraged from cleaning.

I am so tired of being stressed out about these things.



Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30


When I thought of that verse, I felt more at peace than I have all day.



I woke up with a pillow under my head and covers keeping me warm, and I am blessed.
My husband and child also woke up this morning, and I am blessed.
The dishes in the sink let me know we have plenty of food, and I am blessed.
All of the toys that are continuously strewn all over the floor in the family room shows me that my son and his friend have been having fun playing today, and I am blessed.
There are so many things out of place in my house that show me we are well provided for, and I am blessed.
We have a roof over our head, and I am blessed.
We have a car in our driveway, and I am blessed.
I have a husband who loves me and a child who adores me, and I am blessed.

I have a God who has promised to take care of me {Matthew 6:33}, and I am blessed.


I want to thank all who participated in the study this week, and wanted to remind you all that it is never too late to join in. Next week, we will be looking at Proverbs 31:11, and I can't wait. I feel very blessed to have so many wonderful friends who desire to study God's word as well.

I started this entry feeling stressed and upset, and now I feel at peace and blessed beyond measure. I hope you feel the same.