refocus ⇌ renew

it’s been on my chalkboard wall for weeks. i have walked past this verse {psalm 51:10} for weeks and i have thought it over and over and i have sang it over and over and over and i have taught it to my five-year-old and i have wondered why do i feel so far from Him? when my life has felt more chaotic now than ever, when my emotions have been stretched out and thin and my patience has been nearly non-existent, on the days where i just want to S C R E A M and hide and run and eat a lot of bad food, i have felt so far from God and i would and do wonder WHY do i feel so far from Him when i have asked this of Him – PLEASE GOD. i want to be closer to YOU. i want a better relationship with YOU and i want to be filled to the brim with YOU.

and yet i keep doing what i always do, just sort of skimming by, not really doing my part in things. not taking the time to actually reach out to God – i already know He is reaching for me. but am i reaching back?

i want God to be what is most important to me – above carl and above benjamin and above clara and above thirty-one and above myself but myself just keeps getting in the way and i am filled with myself and not filled with HIM. i want God to be what is important to me, but does my life show that?

my life gets chaotic when my focus shifts and i am tired of feeling out of control and tired of grasping desperately for control – please Lord, please take control. i. don’t. want. it. i want peace and i want calm.

no no no.

i need peace.

i need calm.

i need to refocus.

this is me, confessing my struggles, asking for prayers, and making myself accountable.

create in me a clean heart, oh God
and renew a right spirit within me
create in me a clean heart, oh God
and renew a right spirit within me

and cast me not away from your presence, oh Lord
and take not Your Holy Spirit from me
restore to me the joy of your salvation
and renew a right spirit within me

facing ptsd, a year later.

***Because I have friends who have had difficult experiences or who may have slightly elevated hormones, I’m going to go ahead and say that this post can be a BIG TRIGGER as I talk about my PTSD and events surrounding it.***

It has been a little over a year now since I have been dealing with my PTSD resulting from Benjamin’s birth almost five years ago. I wanted to tell you all that I am so thankful for every prayer that you may have offered up on my behalf, or on the behalf of my family as they help me through this. I was thinking yesterday how I couldn’t believe how soon Benjamin would be five and how five years ago, I would have never, ever thought I’d be facing the challenges that I still face on a daily basis because of what happened.

Five years ago today, I was still pregnant, still counting on my baby boy to arrive in a mere five days {which did not happen… he was late then and still to this day, he takes his time doing just about everything}. I was not planning on experiencing a traumatic birth in ten days’ time, facing the reality that if I had not been stitched up when I was, I could have been dead. I had no thoughts whatsoever that it could happen to me. I knew women tore in childbirth but for whatever reason I had no idea that women could bleed to death after bringing a new precious baby into the world.

For a few weeks now, I have been contemplating this blog post, but I have not been able to bring myself to talk about it. Sometimes it’s hard. I have not been regularly taking my medicine for a while now because I haven’t been sure if I’d be able to get my refills. I had been wanting to be off medication completely by the end of December, but I was unaware of the changes we’d be going through as a family and stress of moving that we would be enduring.

Every little thing that is out of the norm for me can set my teeth on edge. Being away from all my friends who were so helpful to me in dealing with everything has been hard. Being in a new place and being afraid that people won’t “get it” has been hard.

Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel a little more on edge than others and I can be a little snippier than I’d prefer to be. Sometimes when my friends go into labor, I get really, really scared. I almost had a panic attack watching a certain show where a young lady was going into labor and was losing a lot of blood… yeah, I certainly was not prepared for that!!

But a lot of the time, I’m okay. A lot of the time, I’m better than okay, and sometimes I’m just not okay.

But I’m okay right now, and I just wanted you all to know that I appreciate all your support over the last year.

Especially my caring, thoughtful, understanding, and loving husband who has been my ROCK and who has helped me every step of the way.

I’m blessed, and I’m okay.

saying goodbye.

After a long week as parents of three younguns, Carl and I said good-bye to “O” today as we dropped her off to be picked up by another family friend. I didn’t want to. I really, really didn’t want to. My heart has been heavy all day long and I keep wishing she was around to follow me all over the house going, “Mom! Mom! Mom! Whatsa doin? Whatsa doin?” all day long.

We knew that it wouldn’t be forever. It was only ever meant to be temporary. We said goodbye a little sooner than we expected for a multitude of reasons.

Please pray for “O” as she settles into her new home… pray that soon there is stability for her, that she will be happy and healthy and safe where she is.

I sure am gonna miss her.

& Now for something completely different…

Carl and I have once more embarked on a new and different adventure in parenting, and no, this is not a pregnancy announcement.

Because a situation arose that needed immediate care, Carl and I have become voluntary foster parents. A woman who had been visiting the congregation for a while now got into a serious situation in which her daughter, who will be 3 in November, had to be removed from the living situation. To avoid her going directly into the “System”, of which I know absolutely nothing, her mother named us to DHR to see if we would be willing to take the girl (we’ll call her O for privacy issues).

It happened Monday afternoon. Clara and I were hanging out in the living room while Carl and Benjamin ran to get groceries at Wal-Mart when there came a knock on the kitchen door. Can you imagine my shock when I open up to a police officer? Once the DHR case worker came up and explained the situation, and asked if we’d be willing to take temporary physical custody of the girl, I could not say no.

We couldn’t get ahold of Carl during this time because there is no service in Wal-Mart (which is absolutely irritating). so here I am at my dining room table with a tearful mother, a cop, and a DHR case worker going over details. I sent him a text message: “You need to come home NOW” and after a bit, he called that he was on his way home and I explained very briefly, “DHR is here with O…”

Later I apologized to Carl because I hadn’t waited for him to say that we would, but he felt  the same way that I did. She needed a good home immediately and we had one.

We don’t know how long she’ll be with us. Because the situation is a serious one, it could be quite a long time. Because we don’t have unlimited finances, and because we already have Benjamin and Clara, we may not be able to keep her here for as long as she is away from her mother. But for right now, she is here with us and she is being taken care of.

I’m now asking you all to please pray with us. Carl and I have not had any sort of training in this area. We’ve never taken any fostering classes. We had no idea what to expect at all. Of course, we have been parents for nearly five years, and that’s the experience we can claim, but this is different.

But I don’t think anything could prepare anyone for the hour and a half spent trying to soothe a sobbing toddler who is crying that she wants her mommy.

I have never felt so heartbroken in my life.

And, I have never felt so humbled by the love and support that our friends and family have shown us as we embark on this new and challenging journey. We truly love each and every one of you. For those who have reached out in whatever way already, thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you.

Please, please pray for all of us in this situation.

Benjamin and O during Bible time.

buckling.

I am so stressed out.

For a while I thought I was doing pretty well with my stress. My antidepressants have helped me keep a rational head on most of the time. I haven’t had nearly as many meltdowns as I thought I perhaps would. I haven’t been freaking out about my c-section and have actually been looking forward to it – not because I don’t think it’s a big deal but because I know it will be so much better for me physically and mentally than trying a normal birth again. I’ve been trying to have a good attitude about my eye problem that just popped up out of nowhere. I’ve done my very best to take all our car issues that we’ve had in the past few months in stride, as well as Benjamin’s new asthma diagnosis. I have been trying really hard to just trust in God to take care of us no matter what. I’ve leaned on Him and on our wonderful friends here and on my amazing husband and my loving family back in Georgia so much that I know if I tried to stop, I’d probably fall flat on my face. And I guess that isn’t a bad thing.

But I’ve gotten to the point where I just feel like there is too much going on right now. How much more of this can I handle? How much more will I be expected to handle? How am I supposed to be able to get through all of this, and care for a newborn, and recover from a c-section? What happens if my eye issue is a lot worse than we thought it was, or what if something goes wrong with the c-section, or what if something is wrong with baby C…

What if, what if, what if???

I know that a lot of my fears are unfounded. I know that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I struggle with high anxiety. I know I worry myself too much about little things or things that really have no reason to be worried over in the first place. I know that I have an amazing support system and God is heading it up.

I’m trying to adjust my sails in these storms. I’ve certainly not perfected this, but I’m trying. I know that it won’t be easy. I know that I haven’t shed the last of my tears. I know that I’m going to be sick with nerves tomorrow when we drive an hour to my retinal evaluation. I know I won’t be able to sleep Thursday night before my c-section. I know.

But I also know that God will always be there with me and for me, and that at least gives me a measure of confidence that likely wouldn’t be there if I didn’t know it or believe it.

I’m stressed out and I feel myself buckling under the weight from time to time, but I believe it.

too much excitement.

Is anyone missing a good dose of drama or excitement from their life? Because I’m pretty sure I got your extra helping and I’d like to return it. No, seriously. I know there are some of you who don’t follow me on Facebook, or who only get snippets of news off of Instagram, so I’ll fill you in on the latest…

So yesterday was pretty fun. We went to a birthday party for Benjamin’s friend, and had a great time. I was pretty tired by the time we got home, but I went ahead and hopped in the shower, which has became one of my nightly habits since it helps me relax at the end of the day. Anyway, it was a good day. I was happy to be able to relax at the end of the day, though.

{38 weeks! Happy, happy, happy!}

Well, toward the end of my shower, I started seeing floaters. Like, a lot of floaters. There have been some occasions where I have seen a couple floaters here and there, but this time, the floaters were everywhere and lasted a couple minutes. After they cleared up for the most part, I started feeling like I was about to black out. Thankfully, Carl was nearby and had me sit down and after a little bit, I decided I needed to lay down for a little while because my vision had become blurry.

I should note quickly that my PTSD has affected the way I see my own health, because a lot of the time when something is wrong with me, I’ll brush it off or ignore it because I don’t want to be a burden or inconvenience for someone else {mainly Carl}. I’m sure this is why I never woke him up for night feedings with Benjamin and why I refuse to go to the doctor unless I really need it. So while Carl was extremely concerned about me and asking what I thought we should do, I was brushing all of this off and saying my blood pressure was just a little off because of the warm shower.

I laid down for a couple of hours and nothing seemed to change, except that I could distinctly see a dark blob in my vision.

Changes in your vision in pregnancy is not something you ever want to take lightly. It’s never something that you should just brush off as nothing. This, paired with my suddenly fat ankles {complete with slight pitting} made us both fear that this could be pre-eclampsia. And pre-e, if you didn’t know, is not something you need to mess around with. Carl called in to Labor & Delivery and the doctor on call, not my doctor, said that she couldn’t really say unless I came in to be checked out.

So we packed up the car, complete with sleepy Benjamin, and drove an hour to the hospital. It didn’t take very long to be wheeled to L&D… and didn’t take very long for the RN to say that she didn’t think this had anything to do with pregnancy, but that she wanted me to go downstairs to the Emergency Room to get my eye looked at, since it was unilateral and not bilateral – only in my left eye was I having these problems.

I was irritated and tired and it was well past 1AM at this point but we went down and spent forever in the waiting room before finally getting taken back to the creepiest examination room in the world. Seriously it was really, really creepy. We stayed back there for a really, really long time and I had one very serious anxiety attack and had some cool washcloths to put on my neck and head. I just knew that something wasn’t right, and I was just freaking out. It was pretty scary. And nobody seemed to be coming to see me. Thankfully a nurse came in and brought Benjamin a pack of crackers and some apple juice, so he was content with that and watching TV.

Eventually the doctor came in – who was also 38 weeks pregnant although she looked like she was 4 months along at most – and asked a few questions… and then left us alone again. After a while, someone came and took me to an eye exam room and that’s when the show finally got on the road.

The doctor examined my eyes, dilating them some and numbing them before poking some weird little pressure gauge all over them, and then putting some neon dye in my eyes to see if there happened to be any scratches or anything. Nope. No scratches. She couldn’t make any conclusions so she went and called up one of the eye doctors, who was in church apparently, and who said that he would see us at 9AM at his office. That was pretty awesome, because obviously doctors’ offices aren’t open on Sundays and he was doing this for me!

I might mention, too, that this entire time we have been at the hospital, which was from like 1AM to 8:30AM, Benjamin had not slept at all. He’d been up and active and just as normal as could be, while Carl dozed off a few times and I attempted to doze to keep from freaking out. Benjamin is such a good boy… he was so awesome even if we had to get onto him a couple times. He was a real trooper! Proud of my boy for pulling his first all-nighter like a champ! ha!

{watching TV in the eye exam room while daddy took another cat nap and mommy waited for the doctor to come back in}

We left out and drove directly to the eye doctor’s, and as soon as he got there {um hello porche!} he took me back and started to examine my eyes. It look a little while for my eyes to dilate enough for him to see to the back of them, and I’m pretty sure he dilated them about 3x more than normal, but with the first glance, he told me it had nothing to do with retinitis pigmentosa. RP is an eye disease that runs in my family, which my mom has. I was afraid this was going to have something to do with my eye problems, so I was very relieved when he ruled that out. Also relieved when he said that my retina had not detached.

Finally he was able to determine that I had a fluid leak behind my retina, which wasn’t normally a big deal at all and would reabsorb and heal itself over a few months… however, the fluid behind my eye had a little bit of blood in it, which makes sense because the dark blob in my eye that I can see instead of … well, seeing, is red-tinted. It’s sooo weird to be able to see a leak of blood in the back of your eye, let me tell you! Anyway, that isn’t normal.

So I’m going to have to see a retina specialist to make sure that this isn’t something that’s going to require drainage and that nothing back there is damaged. Not excited for that, nor the bills we will have to pay because of all this, but some things I guess you just can’t control.

Long story short, I’m fine and the baby is fine, but my left eye is pretty much useless right now unless I want to look at a blob of eyeblood. Yuck. We are thankful that this problem isn’t something serious, except for being seriously inconvenient. Now baby C is not allowed to come any earlier than expected because I just can’t deal with any more surprise emergencies! ha!

Thanks everyone for keeping us in your prayers! This sure has been exciting but I really wish all the excitement would die down for a little bit, you know?

one more week.

38 weeks pregnant and we are still hanging in there! I meant to update after our appointment on Wednesday but never got the chance. We were disappointed to find out that all this contracting has done diddly squat but made me uncomfortable. Believe me, I don’t *want* an early baby {39 weeks is early enough} but these contractions are just starting to get annoying, especially knowing that they aren’t doing anything to change my cervix. Ah well, it is what it is.

This photo was taken on Wednesday before my appointment. This morning, however, I woke up and my stomach looked a lot smaller. The only thing I can think of is that she has moved down lower into my pelvis and perhaps has moved more to the back. But who knows? All I know is that my contractions have changed yet again and all I can do is wonder if these will send me into active labor, or if I’m just going to have to endure these as well.

I think I’m just going to count on next Friday being Baby C’s birthday, as scheduled. And I’m okay with that, anyway. I’m getting used to the annoying contractions and the pain, and I’ve been given a pain medication to help me get rest at night and it is glorious to actually get sleep. So if I can get one week of good sleep before Bitty Girl comes into the world, I’m okay with that. Because something tells me I’m gonna be needing that extra rest. ;-)

By this time next week, we will have our sweet baby and I’m sure all these annoying, painful, miserable, inconvenient, and downright torturous symptoms I’ve had to endure these 9 months will be ancient history and we’ll be over the moon happy to have her here.

Please pray fervently for us as we get closer and closer to meeting her. Please pray for my recovery after my c-section, and please pray that everything goes well – with the surgery and with the sweet darling girl. Pray she is healthy! One week early is still one week early!

I appreciate all of you who have been assuring me that you’ve been praying for me, as well as all the mail and texts and messages we’ve received. You will never know how much it means to me to know that there are people out there who are thinking of us. It makes all of this so much easier for me. I know I don’t have to say how hard this pregnancy has been on me, and I hate bringing it up all the time because I feel like a whiner, but I never expected to be placed on antidepressants during all of this. Your support and love and prayers have made everything so much easier to bear, and I am indebted to you all – you just don’t know how much you have all helped and how much I appreciate you.

I can’t wait for this week to pass and to be able to share our sweet girl with you!

And in case you need a reminder, the two names we’re down to are:

Charlotte or Clara

And I love to see who thinks which name, so keep posting your guess if you haven’t already!

xoxoxo

maybe baby?

So, last Friday was eventful. Almost too eventful for me. I was silent as the old guy pushed my wheel chair {ps – I was so embarrassed to be wheeled out of the doctor’s office in front of a room full of pregnant ladies… like seriously… I’m sure everyone was looking at me!} through the labyrinth of the hospital. He asked me if I was okay, and I answered, “I’m freaking out a little bit!” And a little bit was kind of an understatement. I broke down a couple times as I laid there with the monitors on me. It was just so out of the blue and I never thought I’d actually go into labor on my own, since I was induced with Benjamin five days after his due date. And I mean this was three whole weeks before the fact!

Anyway, I called Monday to make another appointment since I didn’t get to do so on Friday, expecting to either get a Thursday or Friday appointment as I normally do. Nope. Wednesday morning at 9:30.

The thing is, my contractions haven’t stopped since I left the hospital. I am definitely in labor, and I am pretty sure that once I am checked again, they’ll find the contractions have been doing what they’re made to do… and this time, they’ll tell me it’s time to have a baby. Because if they don’t, I could go into REALLY active labor and I just don’t think they want that {since they scheduled my c-section a week before my due date}.

So… If my predictions {and pretty much everyone else I’ve talked to about this} are correct… we could possibly be leaving the hospital in four{ish} days instead of tomorrow afternoon. Meaning, it could be baby time very, very soon.

Nervous! Excited! Anxious! Ahhh!

But ever since Thursday {before I knew I was in labor, but was feeling so off that I almost knew}, I have been praying to God for courage and strength, and to help me trust Him more. And I do. I trust God. I know He is with us. I feel peace when I remind myself of this. So yeah, I’m kinda freaking out on the inside because things are about to be very different – whether it happens this week or next – but I feel at peace with the way things are going.

Our bags are packed, our car is cleaned, baby C’s car seat is installed… {and Benjamin got a new seat himself because he is getting to be such a big boy!} we are ready in that regard. Mom and Dad are ready to leave at any given moment to be here to help take care of Benjamin.

We are planning on keeping our phones off during and after the procedure until Benjamin has been able to meet his sister, so updates will come after the fact… but I would love if you would keep us in your prayers! And who knows – maybe the next time you hear from me, I’ll have a sweet bundle of joy to show off as well!

We’ll see you when we see you!

close call.

Well, today was eventful to say the very least. I didn’t really expect to go in to my doctor’s appointment this morning and end up staying 6 hours hooked up to monitors to observe my contractions. I’ve never been in labor before – natural labor anyway – so I’ve been trying to pay careful attention to any changes in my body here as we are reaching the very end of this pregnancy. Yesterday, I told Carl that I didn’t feel right. This whole week I’ve been feeling kind of off, but especially yesterday, things just didn’t feel right.

Apparently, my feelings had some validation to them because, surprise!, I’m actually in early labor. My contractions while in the hospital today were 2-3 minutes apart, and while I was in labor & delivery, they were off the chart. I was given an IV of fluids in hopes that they would make the contractions stop. If they didn’t stop, then it was real labor. If they did, false alarm.

They didn’t stop. I’m in early labor, but thankfully since it’s not active labor, they decided to send me home because they didn’t want to give me a c-section so early unless I was in active labor.

Seriously thankful to God because I am not ready, not today. I was pretty certain that I was going to be holding a baby by the end of the night, and I was terrified. So I am really thankful that they decided to discharge me.

Please keep us in your prayers. Being in early labor means I could go any day now, or I could make it the next two weeks until my scheduled c-section date – and the latter is my preference.

ANYWAY -

37 weeks, and yes, if you think she looks lower, she is. If you think I look tired in that picture, I was, and I’m even more so now!

Let’s finish up this name game, shall we? Or at least narrow it down to the last two. Like I said last week, we’ll skip the name game next week and the next you’ll hear about it is when we make the final announcement! Excited?? Me, too!

Charlotte
Carleigh
Camryn
Carla
Camilla
Chloe
Cora
Clara
Caitlin
Charity
Clementine

I love the name Clementine, but that is also not the name we chose. So, down to the last two:

Charlotte or Clara ??

You’ll find out soon enough!

He’s Home, and We’re SO Thankful

I just wanted to thank everyone who was praying for sweet Benjamin while he was in the hospital, and praying for us as we dealt with this sudden trial! Benjamin was released yesterday afternoon and we are so glad to have him back home. The official diagnosis seems to be acute bronchitis that triggered bronchial spasms. It was very scary to learn the ‘signs’ that we should have noticed that would have told us that he needed to see a doctor right away {gut-breathing, nostrils flaring, chest caving}, and for them to tell Carl that this is serious.

There are tons of other mothers who have had children in the hospital before, maybe even a lot more, maybe it’s the norm… I don’t see how they do it, honestly. Maybe it’s my pregnancy hormones that have also amplified the feeling of terror when Carl told me they wanted to keep him over night the first night… and then when the doctor came in and listened to Ben’s breathing, shook his head, and told us that he needed to stay longer… but that was really difficult. Nobody likes to see their little boy {or girl} in that big hospital bed, sweaty and lethargic and wheezing.

My goal now? To not dwell on the “what could have happened”s – that does me nothing, except makes me start crying again. Instead, we are making sure we follow the doctor’s orders. Benjamin will be seeing the doctor for a follow-up this week sometime. Hopefully then we will see what sort of things we can do to help prevent this happening again, and maybe pinpoint why this happens so much. I am pretty sure this is like the fourth time Benjamin has had bronchitis this year, but obviously this is most severe.

And I’m not going to think about the hospital bill right now. Can’t wait for that piece of mail…

To everyone who stopped by the hospital to visit Benjamin while he was cooped up – thank you so much. I know that it meant a lot to him, even if he wasn’t too chatty and maybe a little crabby as well {hey, I would be, too!}. Thank you to those who dropped food off for Benjamin when the hospital continued to put eggs or egg-based foods on Benjamin’s plate {hello, egg allergy!!}, and those who dropped off coffee or Mountain Dew for Carl who was a super dad for staying with Benjamin! And to my sweet friend Pam who brought me food and water when I was at home worrying and trying to rest and not go crazy.

Also to my friend Andrew who let me know that it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to walk up to the hospital in the middle of the {freezing} night to be with Benjamin when I found out he was being hospitalized. {Because that is exactly what a 5-months-pregnant mama needs to do... walking alone in the dead of night, sobbing, freezing, etc... yeah, I wasn't thinking rationally.}

To those who gave Benjamin treats or made cards or in general asked about his well-being and texted me frequently to not only see how Ben was,  but to make sure I was resting and to make sure I didn’t need anything…

Seriously you guys. I feel so blessed by our church family here & in other places. You’re all so amazing. We felt the love this weekend. Thank you, so much.

And I wanted to say a few words about my amazing husband. This weekend would have been 100000x worse than it was, had I not had Carl there to take the burden off of my shoulders. The hospital room was NOT comfortable, at all. The food was frustrating. The sleep was very, very limited. And Carl had to see Benjamin get his blood drawn twice, get one shot, and receive an IV. I was only there for one blood draw and THAT was awful for me... I can't imagine being there through all of it. Seriously, my husband is super dad or something. He's so loving and caring and I know if he had to do it all over again for Benjamin, he would, because he always puts us before himself. I am so incredibly blessed to have him, and so is Benjamin and this little baby I'm carrying.

(Benjamin is glad to be home to sleep in his own bed!!)

About 40 minutes until Benjamin’s next breathing treatment. We’ve got this.

Please continue to pray for us as we figure out where to go from here!!

23 Weeks / “Official” Date / First ER Visit

Well, I’ve missed the past two weeks so I figured now would be a good time to update you on how everything is progressing. I’m sorry – I don’t have a belly photo to post. Most of you know we’ve been terribly busy lately. Forgive me! Hopefully next week we’ll have one.

How Far Along: 23 Weeks
Size of Baby: At 23 weeks, the baby is measuring about the size of a mango!

Total Weight Gain: –6!! That means I gained 5 lbs!
Sleep: Eh… Let’s not talk about sleep right now, hm?
Symptoms: Seriously I did not think I would be this sore so soon!! Ouch!!!
Cravings: Meh. Potato stuff as usual.
Gender: Girl!
Movement: She never stops!
Maternity Clothes: I same as before! Leggings and dresses are my bff’s, but I have also still been wearing some of my pre-pregnancy jeans. Actually they are loose. Awesome… I occasionally wear maternity pants but there’s no real need right now.
Best Moments This Week: We had a doctor’s appointment and everything looked good.
What I’m Looking Forward To: Next week means viability!
Milestones: None?

Well, unless you count that we have unofficially {meaning next time we are in the office we will get everything officially set up} picked a date for our c-section! March 22nd is the day, so mark your calendar! Unless something else happens, Lord willing nothing will!, that is Baby C’s birthday.

And I’m feeling pretty okay about it. I’ve had a lot of emotional stress leading up to this point but I think putting a date on it will really help me cope with everything I’m feeling.

---------------------

In other news, I know a lot of my FB friends already know this. Last night Benjamin was taken to the ER for the first time. He was struggling to take a breath here at home and although we had an appointment set up for him the next morning, we decided it wasn’t worth risking the night so Carl took him in. He went in around 9pm I think. Anyway, around midnight, they admitted him to stay overnight and Carl was permitted to run home and get a few things. I came with him this time to be with Benjamin.

The diagnosis isn’t completely certain at this point just because we don’t know what’s really caused it. Right now, they are saying he had bronchial spasms {a bi-product of bronchitis, which some of you know isn’t an uncommon thing for Benjamin}. Asthma keeps coming up in conversation. Once they get him under control {nebulizer, IV}, they will talk to us about how we can prevent this. He could have breathing treatments daily.

It’s really frightening  because it came up out of nowhere. It has really made me aware of the fact that we need to be extra careful with Benjamin when it comes to his allergies and the reactions they could cause.

I’m at home now, because I only got 45 minutes of sleep last night and started to feel extremely ill – probably exhaustion and a bit of dehydration – so a friend took me home. It’s really difficult being away from my baby. I won’t be going back up to the hospital because right now, I need to take care of myself so I can take care of the baby. Carl is with Benjamin and won’t leave him.

Please keep us all in your prayers. It’s so stressful and emotional and my sweet boy is exhausted and wants to come home.

To our friends who have stopped by to visit him or who have offered to help – I am so thankful for you. You will never know just how much. We are so blessed!

Thanks for praying, everyone. Hopefully we’ll have a good update for you soon.

Pregnancy Update

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything! I was just looking and the last time I posted was our anniversary, wow! So sorry, friends! Can I just pull the pregnancy card? {Yeah, I’m gonna… I have seven more months to do so!}

While I am very, very thankful to God for the new life growing inside me, which we’ve been praying for for what felt like forever {in retrospect it really wasn’t as long as it felt – but anyone who has been ttc probably knows how long it can feel even after a couple of months!}, this morning sickness – nay, all day every day sickness – has been out of control. I hate to complain about it because a few months ago I’d have given anything just for some sort of symptom of pregnancy, and I know there are women who can’t have babies who would give anything to feel this way if it meant that they could have a child… But seriously you guys. Nobody likes to stay up till midnight puking their guts out… or going and spending money on food you can only keep down for thirty seconds.

I had been on Zofran and still had the nausea and vomiting, so I was thinking “meh, it’s not doing me any good, and the side effects aren’t worth it”… so I stopped taking it for two days and yesterday was one of the worst days… so I’m back on it, and another medication occasionally to keep the side effect in check. If you’re really that morbidly curious, you can google I am sure.

I have been really blessed the past few weeks, not only with how helpful and sympathetic my sweet husband is, and how wonderful he has been about cooking {you wanna see a pregnant Kristen run for the bathroom? make me cook}, and taking care of Benjamin… but my mother-in-law stayed here for a week to help out around the house and with Benjamin, and now my mom is here – has been here since last Tuesday – for twelve days to do the same. It’s been such a help for me and I’ve been able to focus on resting and trying {and mostly failing} to keep food down.

And playing SongPop.

Ahem.

So, anyway, as of yesterday, I am 9 weeks pregnant! Right now, the baby is about the size of a grape, and his/her essential body parts are all accounted for – so now can begin the rapid growth/weight gain! Aw yeah! As of right now, I have lost like 7lbs, thanks to morning sickness, so besides a lovely amount of bloating on occasion, I don’t have much to show for this pregnancy as of yet. I won’t be taking or posting any progression pictures until there is something to show… mainly because I feel so gross that I don’t want to get dressed for them HA. But still, this is what I looked like 9wks along with Benjamin. I thought I was HUGE – but, now that I know more about pregnancy, I know that this little bump was just bloat, ha ha ha. The more you know…

Funny little fact? The wristbands I’m wearing in that picture are the same ones I wear round the clock now. Another fun little fact is that the above picture was taken in the hotel room we stayed in before a tryout we had in Louisiana. Just so you know.

And since I’ve neglected you all for so long, I forgot that I didn’t even give you guys the ultrasound pictures from the ultrasound we had two weeks ago! How rude!

The number at the side is the heartbeat! I was so relieved to see the baby growing right on time and to hear and see the little heart beating. Really, when you’re in your first trimester, and sometimes even afterward, the thought of miscarrying can be terrifying. I wasn’t expecting to get an ultrasound at our first visit but we were pleasantly surprised and as I said just so relieved to know the baby is doing well!

Please keep me and the little gummybear in your prayers as we continue on. I really, really covet your prayers especially concerning my sickness. I have three more weeks in this trimester and I hope that by the end of it, the sickness will have diminished! Otherwise, I’ll be living off of gatorade, vitamin water, and popcorn!

Anyway… back to looking at baby names! So far we’re only set on middle names, both being family names. Based on{ Ramzi’s Method  } of gender prediction based on the side of implantation {left, according to the ultrasound at 6wks – which you can see above – and remember, it’s mirror image as this was an abdominal ultrasound}, I am predicting that this baby will be a girl. {I personally have been hoping for another boy but I don’t have any say in the matter, ha!} We will know in ten weeks, hopefully.

I hope you all have  been having a good week… or weeks since I’ve been laid up in bed not thinking about blogging, ha!

dealing with the fear

This is something I always knew I would deal with if/when I ever got pregnant again: fear. I’m only 4-6 weeks pregnant {according to the blood work – I guess we will know more when I finally get to the OB}, and already I am starting to think 8 months in the future {Lord willing!} and what that might mean for me – for us.

Last time was awful. I really can’t describe my first experience with childbirth any less than ‘awful’. It was traumatizing – mind, body, and soul. It was so difficult to recover from. I have gone into details before on here, so I won’t go through it again. But let’s just say, when you’re supposed to look back on the birth experience of your first born and think it a joyous occasion, and you really can’t because the next moments after the birth they were fighting to keep you alive… well, it sticks with you.

I am so thankful for this pregnancy. Please don’t get me wrong. I am so in love with the new baby forming inside me, even if it is only the size of a mustard seed now. I feel like it brings me closer to God – maybe because I feel like I haven’t stopped praying to Him to thank Him for this new life. After ten months of trying and failing and feeling like I’d never get to hold another newborn that was ours, we finally have this hope, this joy… we are over the moon!

But I am so scared that history will repeat itself.

This time, I am going to do what I can to keep myself and our baby healthy the entire pregnancy, and Lord willing through childbirth as well. Even if that means I have to drink drinks that aren’t particularly tasty to me, but are really good for me and the baby.

I am asking you, my dear friends, to pray for me as I embark on this journey again. Please, please keep me and the baby in your prayers. I would really appreciate it, friends. I really would. <3

Nurse Mommy is in.

There are people who will know what I mean when I say we have been hit with the post-lectureship crud. 

Every year there happens to be a select group of people who go home with sickness. The Gospel isn't the only thing that's being spread up there - it's germs, too, and we all take it back home to spread around and share the love. Well, this past weekend I played Nurse Wifey for Carl as he was laid up on the couch, especially on Sunday. And yesterday he was pretty up and active and went to the doctor for some meds and I was thinking we are finally out of the woods! 

... And then my poor Benjamin started feeling ill this morning. A 100.3 fever, sniffles, probably some aches that he isn't telling me about (besides his head), coughing. I've put on my nurse's cap once more. I would really appreciate your prayers. I'm hoping that I won't come down with it as well. And I am also hoping Benjamin will stay down long enough to get better!! 

I'm also expecting my honorary nursing degree by the end of the week, you know...

Thanks, friends, for the prayers!

some struggles lately

I am pretty sure most of you would probably agree with this: before you're married and you're single, people will always ask you when you're going to have a 'boyfriend', and then when you're a little older, the question is 'when are you going to get married?'. When that day finally comes, the immediate question from there on out is 'when are you going to have a baby?' until you finally have a baby, and then the question is 'when are you going to have another'... and I'm sure once you've had 'enough', the question will probably be 'when are you going to stop' (or something else along the lines of 'you know what causes that, don't you?')

Right now, we're at the stage where people ask us quite frequently when we're going to have another baby. I never realized the weight that this question (and probably the one that precedes it) can put on someone until I had to start answering people, "Well, hopefully sometime soon", and then secretly feel in the back of my mind a little sad because ... well, it's not happening right this instant, and the fact is I wish it were.


I mentioned "jokingly" a few posts back that we hoped this year we'd have a 'bun in the oven' at some point. It's true, though. No joke. In fact, we entered the "trying to conceive" (TTC from here on out) group back in November and have thus far had no luck in that area. And I semi-joked about it back in that post but it truly is no joke for me. I never realized how frustrating it can be to be TTC, because with Benjamin we really weren't actively trying.

Now that we are TTC, it's just unbelievably frustrating and I know that it's only been a few months so far but it's just been discouraging so far. I know that there's always 'next month' to try again, but the thing is... all I have wanted for like the past two years is to add another baby into the mix and we just haven't been able, between instability in job/money/housing, or insurance... and now that we are able to, and aren't...

Do you get what I'm saying? I'm being honest here and to be frank, I don't like feeling this vulnerable, sharing what I've been struggling with lately. I'm not stressed about it - it's just that when it turns out that once again we're not, I just feel so sad, so discouraged, and lost - like why not? Why not this month? I know I'm not the only one.

What makes it infinitely harder is when everyone around you is announcing their pregnancies, or have been pregnant for a while, and you're so happy for them but at the same time you can't help but feel a little jealousy. Ugh, I hate feeling that way. And then you feel guilty for feeling that way because you know that you shouldn't.

I'm getting better in that regard. I am genuinely happy for all my friends who are pregnant and I can't wait to see the precious babies that they bring into this world.

At the same time, I wish I could join the number, but I keep telling myself that it's all in God's good time. If He chooses to bless us, He will do it in perfect timing - because my timing is not His timing. And maybe the difference between Benjamin and this time when we are TTC is that last time we just put it completely in God's hands. And now I'm too focused on the 'science' of it all.

Anyway, I just say all of this to ask you for your prayers. Please pray that God does bless us and until that time, that I can be patient and wait on Him and do what I'm supposed to do, and to not be discouraged.

Have any of you experienced this? I know some of you have. What helped you get through?

Wordless-ish Wednesday

{taken today}

Please say a prayer for those who have been affected by the storms.
I have seen footage of the devastation and it is unreal.

And say a prayer as we wait for the storms to pass as well.

People who need our prayers

I know that there are a lot of people who already know about the Earthquake and Tsunami that hit Japan yesterday {because you probably do watch the news unlike me}, but if you didn’t know about it, please read about it and then please pray about it. They said it is the 5th largest recorded Earthquake since 1900 and the damage is devastating. My heart is hurting for all those people affected. Please pray for them. We may not know them, but we can know that they are suffering and they need our prayers.

our house!

Finally I have some pictures to show for our new digs. Oh yes! You’re really excited, I can tell! I don’t blame you! I love our new house!

Ben’s bathroom.

Benjamin’s bedroom. You may see a few pictures with him in them because he was following me around… or I was following him. Either way…

Dining room…see what I mean? There’s Ben!

There’s the entry way…
{boy these neighborhood dogs sure do like to bark all night…}

Guest room.

Kitchen… and I LOVE the red.

Laundry area

Living room!

 

Of course, it’s not completely put together but it’s so very close. It is so homey and nice and we just love it here! We are just so blessed! God is good!

Also, a little update on Benjamin and a prayer request. Prayers first. Benjamin is sick. We are probably going to try to get him in to see the doctor this week. Please pray he starts feeling better. He has a runny, cloggy nose {I seriously wipe his nose all day long. He comes to me and goes, “TISSUE! TISSUE! NOSE!” while his nose just drips and drips}, a nasty cough, and he wheezes when he breathes. Sigh!

And the update is that tonight will be the fourth night in a row that he has been sleeping in his big boy bed without any problem at all. This transition has been so easy. We still push the pack-n-play up against his bed until we can get some rails up. But he does so well. We are SO proud of him.

Ahhh my big boy! Now if we can just get him to use the potty….

A few words for 2011

I’d make a New Years Resolution if I thought I would remember throughout the year and keep it. But I know myself better than that. So I’m going to set myself up with a couple of guidelines for the year and if I can stick with those, I know I will be all right. I’m going to share with y’all in case you need to see them too for inspiration for your New Year!

“Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” – Matthew 6:33

“Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice!” – Philippians 4:4

“Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.” – Romans 12:9

“Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.” – Hebrews 12:1-2

“Pray without ceasing.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:17

“As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.” – Galatians 6:10

“Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” – Matthew 5:16

“Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.” – Ecclesiastes 12:13

May your New Year be blessed and may we all strive to serve God to the best of our abilities in 2011!!

 

And a prayer request:

Please pray for my family this coming week. My Great-Granddaddy died yesterday (he was 95 years old) and we will be traveling down to South Georgia for the funeral early this coming week. Also, we’re going to be moving in exactly one week. So please remember us in prayer! Thanks!

The Lord Has Been Mindful Of Me

Being a preacher's wife means a lot of things.

.It means that people will look at you differently, in the church and in the community.
.It means that people will hold you to a higher standard, no matter how wrong it may be.
.It means that you share in the joy and trials of others on a more personal level.
.It means that you may see more of the good, bad, and ugly of the people around you.
.It means your heart swells with pride when you hear the truth being spoken from your husband's lips, and even more so when they compliment your husband in front of you.
.It means you stand behind your husband and with him endure criticism, ridicule, and false accusations.


It's a blessing, it truly is, to be a preacher's wife. But any life isn't without it's troubles.

Right now my family is enduring troubles, and I ask you all to keep us in your prayers as we get through this. My husband has been terminated as the preacher where we have been for nearly 2 years, and we are now looking for somewhere else to go. In the coming weeks we will be packing and looking for another place, but most of all praying. Please keep us in your prayers!!

God is worthy of all our praise, no matter what the circumstance!

Though I, through the valley of shadow, O’er mountain or troubled sea,
And oft in the darkness, have traveled, The Lord has been mindful of me.
Much more than my grief and my sorrow, Much more than adversity,
Much more than the all I have given, The Lord has been mindful of me.
I’m rich! I am saved! I am happy! I’ve health and prosperity!
I’ve friends! I have doors ever open! The Lord has been mindful of me.
The Lord has been mindful of me! He blesses and blesses again!
My God is the God of the living! How excellent is His name!

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits; even the God of our salvation" (Ps. 68:19)

PS - if I am a bit absent on here, now you know why!