***Because I have friends who have had difficult experiences or who may have slightly elevated hormones, I’m going to go ahead and say that this post can be a BIG TRIGGER as I talk about my PTSD and events surrounding it.***
It has been a little over a year now since I have been dealing with my PTSD resulting from Benjamin’s birth almost five years ago. I wanted to tell you all that I am so thankful for every prayer that you may have offered up on my behalf, or on the behalf of my family as they help me through this. I was thinking yesterday how I couldn’t believe how soon Benjamin would be five and how five years ago, I would have never, ever thought I’d be facing the challenges that I still face on a daily basis because of what happened.
Five years ago today, I was still pregnant, still counting on my baby boy to arrive in a mere five days {which did not happen… he was late then and still to this day, he takes his time doing just about everything}. I was not planning on experiencing a traumatic birth in ten days’ time, facing the reality that if I had not been stitched up when I was, I could have been dead. I had no thoughts whatsoever that it could happen to me. I knew women tore in childbirth but for whatever reason I had no idea that women could bleed to death after bringing a new precious baby into the world.
For a few weeks now, I have been contemplating this blog post, but I have not been able to bring myself to talk about it. Sometimes it’s hard. I have not been regularly taking my medicine for a while now because I haven’t been sure if I’d be able to get my refills. I had been wanting to be off medication completely by the end of December, but I was unaware of the changes we’d be going through as a family and stress of moving that we would be enduring.
Every little thing that is out of the norm for me can set my teeth on edge. Being away from all my friends who were so helpful to me in dealing with everything has been hard. Being in a new place and being afraid that people won’t “get it” has been hard.
Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel a little more on edge than others and I can be a little snippier than I’d prefer to be. Sometimes when my friends go into labor, I get really, really scared. I almost had a panic attack watching a certain show where a young lady was going into labor and was losing a lot of blood… yeah, I certainly was not prepared for that!!
But a lot of the time, I’m okay. A lot of the time, I’m better than okay, and sometimes I’m just not okay.
But I’m okay right now, and I just wanted you all to know that I appreciate all your support over the last year.
Especially my caring, thoughtful, understanding, and loving husband who has been my ROCK and who has helped me every step of the way.
I’m blessed, and I’m okay.
Hang in there, Kristen. You have two precious children and a strong Christian family to help you through this. Just keep holding to God's unchanging hand.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Christiana!
DeleteI found you through Joyful Adorations. I too had a traumatic birth with my first 8 years ago and ptsd to go along with it. It's an experience I will never forget, but God has used it in powerful ways in my life. And I remember being pregnant with my second, and the fear that stalked me constantly. God's Word was my rock and brought me through that labor even though it was difficult. It wasn't til I was pregnant with my third baby that God really brought a lot of emotional healing through some hands-on body work (chiropractic combined with cranio-sacral) that really released a lot of the trauma and emotions that my body was holding onto. It was fastest, easiest labor by far! I would really encourage you to seek out someone who can do the cranial work (look at the Upledger Institute site for a list of practioners). It has been a very powerful tool God has used to heal me. Blessings to you!
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