facing ptsd, a year later.

***Because I have friends who have had difficult experiences or who may have slightly elevated hormones, I’m going to go ahead and say that this post can be a BIG TRIGGER as I talk about my PTSD and events surrounding it.***

It has been a little over a year now since I have been dealing with my PTSD resulting from Benjamin’s birth almost five years ago. I wanted to tell you all that I am so thankful for every prayer that you may have offered up on my behalf, or on the behalf of my family as they help me through this. I was thinking yesterday how I couldn’t believe how soon Benjamin would be five and how five years ago, I would have never, ever thought I’d be facing the challenges that I still face on a daily basis because of what happened.

Five years ago today, I was still pregnant, still counting on my baby boy to arrive in a mere five days {which did not happen… he was late then and still to this day, he takes his time doing just about everything}. I was not planning on experiencing a traumatic birth in ten days’ time, facing the reality that if I had not been stitched up when I was, I could have been dead. I had no thoughts whatsoever that it could happen to me. I knew women tore in childbirth but for whatever reason I had no idea that women could bleed to death after bringing a new precious baby into the world.

For a few weeks now, I have been contemplating this blog post, but I have not been able to bring myself to talk about it. Sometimes it’s hard. I have not been regularly taking my medicine for a while now because I haven’t been sure if I’d be able to get my refills. I had been wanting to be off medication completely by the end of December, but I was unaware of the changes we’d be going through as a family and stress of moving that we would be enduring.

Every little thing that is out of the norm for me can set my teeth on edge. Being away from all my friends who were so helpful to me in dealing with everything has been hard. Being in a new place and being afraid that people won’t “get it” has been hard.

Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel a little more on edge than others and I can be a little snippier than I’d prefer to be. Sometimes when my friends go into labor, I get really, really scared. I almost had a panic attack watching a certain show where a young lady was going into labor and was losing a lot of blood… yeah, I certainly was not prepared for that!!

But a lot of the time, I’m okay. A lot of the time, I’m better than okay, and sometimes I’m just not okay.

But I’m okay right now, and I just wanted you all to know that I appreciate all your support over the last year.

Especially my caring, thoughtful, understanding, and loving husband who has been my ROCK and who has helped me every step of the way.

I’m blessed, and I’m okay.

am I too blessed to be stressed?

Today I just have not felt myself. I have been feeling sluggish and tired, grumpy and irritable. Like every last thing was just wearing down my patience to the point where I just wanted to throw in the towel. I was trying to think why on earth do I feel this way, today, on a Thursday?

Well, I'm not just grumpy because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I had no trouble getting up this morning. I have come to the conclusion, and this should have been obvious to me, that I am stressed. I wish I could tell you all the things that are bogging me down, but a lot has to do with family issues, which I'm not going to disclose here. I feel worried and burdened. I feel worried and burdened about financial things. I don't like complaining because I know there are so many other people in the world and even nation who are worse off than we are. But it is scary to realize that if something major happened in our life, say a bad wreck or our car broke down and was irreparable, that's it. I wish we could save money but there is no way we can put aside anything and still be able to pay bills or buy groceries and other necessities. We don't eat out a lot, we don't buy stuff we don't need, we don't go grocery shopping every week even. I think it has been about 2 weeks since we have gone shopping, actually.

But we're not needing anything right now, either. Maybe the other week when we drove forever to find a doctor to go to that wouldn't cost an arm and a leg since we don't have insurance. We didn't find one, by the way, but we're 99.9% well again. We try so hard to make the best of our situation but there are just times when I feel stressed and worried and wish there was some way to ease the burden.

I feel so stressed because while I was sick, the house didn't get cleaned like it should have, and it has taken me a while to get caught up. I am still not caught up, and it is only getting messier and messier. I am trying so hard. But I feel like everything I do is completely undone in the following 15 minutes and it is frustrating. I am not one who is very good at cleaning in the first place, and whenever the tornado follows around behind me and makes every place look like a disaster area before I can even get out of the room, I'm so discouraged from cleaning.

I am so tired of being stressed out about these things.



Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30


When I thought of that verse, I felt more at peace than I have all day.



I woke up with a pillow under my head and covers keeping me warm, and I am blessed.
My husband and child also woke up this morning, and I am blessed.
The dishes in the sink let me know we have plenty of food, and I am blessed.
All of the toys that are continuously strewn all over the floor in the family room shows me that my son and his friend have been having fun playing today, and I am blessed.
There are so many things out of place in my house that show me we are well provided for, and I am blessed.
We have a roof over our head, and I am blessed.
We have a car in our driveway, and I am blessed.
I have a husband who loves me and a child who adores me, and I am blessed.

I have a God who has promised to take care of me {Matthew 6:33}, and I am blessed.


I want to thank all who participated in the study this week, and wanted to remind you all that it is never too late to join in. Next week, we will be looking at Proverbs 31:11, and I can't wait. I feel very blessed to have so many wonderful friends who desire to study God's word as well.

I started this entry feeling stressed and upset, and now I feel at peace and blessed beyond measure. I hope you feel the same.