dealing with the fear

This is something I always knew I would deal with if/when I ever got pregnant again: fear. I’m only 4-6 weeks pregnant {according to the blood work – I guess we will know more when I finally get to the OB}, and already I am starting to think 8 months in the future {Lord willing!} and what that might mean for me – for us.

Last time was awful. I really can’t describe my first experience with childbirth any less than ‘awful’. It was traumatizing – mind, body, and soul. It was so difficult to recover from. I have gone into details before on here, so I won’t go through it again. But let’s just say, when you’re supposed to look back on the birth experience of your first born and think it a joyous occasion, and you really can’t because the next moments after the birth they were fighting to keep you alive… well, it sticks with you.

I am so thankful for this pregnancy. Please don’t get me wrong. I am so in love with the new baby forming inside me, even if it is only the size of a mustard seed now. I feel like it brings me closer to God – maybe because I feel like I haven’t stopped praying to Him to thank Him for this new life. After ten months of trying and failing and feeling like I’d never get to hold another newborn that was ours, we finally have this hope, this joy… we are over the moon!

But I am so scared that history will repeat itself.

This time, I am going to do what I can to keep myself and our baby healthy the entire pregnancy, and Lord willing through childbirth as well. Even if that means I have to drink drinks that aren’t particularly tasty to me, but are really good for me and the baby.

I am asking you, my dear friends, to pray for me as I embark on this journey again. Please, please keep me and the baby in your prayers. I would really appreciate it, friends. I really would. <3