Dear Benjamin: Thank you.

Dear Benjamin,

   I never knew how much being a mommy would truly change my life. I knew that it would be life-changing, but I never knew to what degree it would be so altering. I have not always wanted to be a mommy, but when I met your daddy, I knew that there was nothing more that I wanted to be: a wife and a mommy. Since you came into our lives, before we even saw your precious face or even knew your gender, you have brought such joy to our hearts. You continue to be a shining light in a world of darkness, brightening our days more than we could have ever imagined. And, Benjamin, you have taught me so much.

   You have taught me to laugh loud and hard and spontaneously. You are so good at making me break down into a fit of giggles and your sweet laugh is something that I look forward to hearing each and every day when I open my eyes in the morning. I love the way you laugh when Daddy tickles you and although you are yelling “No, Daddy, No!” in between peals of laughter, your laughter is so contagious! You have a gift for lightening the mood in most situations. Thank you for teaching me to find the joy in every situation!

   You have taught me that it is perfectly okay to be silly, no matter where you are or who you are with. Sometimes as you get older, you feel like you can’t be that silly anymore, but you  have taught me that it’s okay, no matter how old you are, to let yourself get silly. I have so much fun with you wherever we go because you are such a silly little guy. Thank you for teaching me to loosen up!

   You have taught me how to love abundantly! I have never met a more affectionate little boy! You have taught us how to have compassion and how to open up our hearts to others. You are so good at showing others that you love them, by giving hugs and kisses freely. You have taught me to make sure I show and tell others that I love them every chance I get, and I thank you for this!

   You have taught me about reliance, forgiveness, and honesty. You rely on us for everything and this reminds me that I am also a child – a child of God the Father, and I need to totally rely on Him. You are always so forgiving, no matter who has done what to you, and this has taught me to also have a  heart willing to forgive those around me, and at the same time to not be so swift to judge others. You have no reason to not be yourself and this has taught me a lesson on how to be honest with myself and with others. Thank you, Benjamin.

   Benjamin, your sweetness is infectious and I wish I could capture and keep your joyful spirit for all time. I am so thankful to God that He saw fit to bless us with you. Thank you for all that you have taught me, even at two years old, and all you will teach me. Mommy has a lot to learn even now.

I Love You Dearly,
Your Mommy

life.

I feel bad for not keeping up with blogging, and especially for not frequenting all of your blogs like I used to. Like, really bad. But things have not been the same since we moved back up here and I am sure you can all understand feeling a little overwhelmed and maybe even unmotivated to blog. It stinks because I really enjoy blogging and find it cathartic and just an escape from all the craziness that my life is filled with. I haven't had this escape in a while I guess because I haven't allowed myself this escape. But I am going to do my best to set aside some time for me to just sit down and unload.



We have been busy. Fall always seems to be a very busy season, but then so is Winter for us because Benjamin's birthday is in January. Anyway, a lot as happened that I haven't disclosed to you and if I had the time I would show you all the pictures, but instead, I'll just go through quickly to tell you what we've been doing.

We went to a pumpkin patch in the mountains. It was a lot of fun, but it was also very crowded and not shaded and while it has cooled down a lot, when the sun is beating down on you it just isn't very comfortable.

The next weekend we went to a festival. This was also fun and Benjamin was able to walk around and see all the different stalls, and also went to a petting zoo. He loves animals, so this was a treat for him.

Yesterday we went to a huge corn maze place that had all kinds of activities and attractions. Benjamin rode a "cow train" which was little buckets with seats and steering wheels pulled around by a four-wheeler. He rode that by himself and they went out a faaar way but he loved it. We also went to another petting zoo where he got to pet some pigs and he loved it! We wandered around a corn maze, twice, and I gotta say I would not be sad if I never went to a corn maze again. Call me a wet blanket, I don't care. Anyway after all that, we went and had a bon fire with the youth and had hotdogs and s'mores and it was a great day. Of course, I had a HUGE headache when we got home that somehow went away when I went to sleep, thankfully.

And in between those weekends, we have had a lot of activities here and there, like shopping or seeing friends. It's just been very busy and it's hard to really catch your breath with everything going on.



Carl got a job at a warehouse nearby, so that's another big thing that happened. We're thinking about settling down here for a while but we really don't know what's going to happen. I am tired of not knowing and I am tired of being up in the air about everything. I just want to settle down and take a breath and for once -- for ONCE -- I would like to not be stressed or worried. I would like to have some SPACE. I feel like I never have any time to myself anymore. There are 5 people in this house and it just feels cramped sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, please don't get me wrong -- I am SO thankful for parents who are so willing and loving to allow us to stay with them until our feet find the ground again! We have really been blessed in that regard and I am so grateful! I would take the crampedness any day over having to scrape and scrounge to make ends meet. What a blessing it is to have parents who care for you and love you even after you've left the nest -- and especially when you have other people with you this time!

I feel... exhausted. Not only because yesterday was draining and I didn't sleep well last week. I just feel exhausted emotionally. I feel like I am not being the best I can be and it's something that bothers me and I'm sure it bothers those around me who can feel it too. I really feel dried up of energy and motivation.

But that has got to stop. I'm tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of letting people down or bringing them down or just not giving my all to everything. This week I start Tot School with Benjamin and I am really excited about this. He is such a smart boy, and he loves to learn, so I think he will do a great job with this. I will keep you updated on this, or at least I will try.

I am going to try hard to blog more because it is therapeutic and I feel like I need it sometimes. I don't want to give this up, even though I do feel like giving up -- in many areas.

"Don't give up, just go on!" - Tickety