Three years ago today, actually. It's always surprising to me how fresh the wound feels and how my heart hurts as though it were yesterday. Papaw was the first person I lost that I was close to. I miss him dearly. Desperately. I had a hard time sleeping last night because I just could not stop crying. I've felt this way all weekend.
It's not something I talk about often. I don't like discussing it. But I think maybe blogging about it might be therapeutic for me. I have heard that blogging is like therapy. So I'm going to give this a shot.
My Papaw was diagnosed with liver cancer and was given 6 months to live. It came as a shock to all of us. None of us were really prepared for the next couple of months. He lived out only a couple of those 6 given months. I remember very clearly the few days leading to his death. It was very shocking when we got the call that hospice had been called in, because just the other day he had been hiking with my uncle. Things quickly took a turn for the worse.
As much as I have tried so hard to forget, I still remember him laying in his bed. I remember how he would cough when he was moved and I remember holding my breath during those brief moments. I remember having to leave the lunch table when the preacher from their congregation came by for a visit to go wipe my tears away in private.
I remember the last time I went into his room and knelt by his bed. I held his hand and told him that I loved him, and he made a sort of groaning noise that made me think he had heard me and perhaps was trying to respond. I held onto the hope that tomorrow we would come back and I would be able to say so much more to him.
But that moment never came, because an hour and a half later, when I had gotten to work and called my mom to let her know, she let me know that my grandfather had just passed away. I needed to come back and we needed to drive back to South Carolina to be with the family.
I remember the long walk from my Explorer to the YMCA building where I worked, walking in and instead of clocking in, I went to my boss and said, "Emily, I don't think I can work today... my grandfather just died." My boss drove me home and her son drove my car behind us because I was not certain I could drive home myself.
The next few days were a blur as family members arrived and hugs were exchanged. I remember the visitation and how Grandma cried when she saw her husband.....
Some things just never leave you.
I held hands with my younger cousin throughout the service.
I remember each and every familiar face from the funeral. So many people from back home, an hour away, came to support us and encourage us. I remember each of their faces as they passed by the family and gave hugs.
I remember feeling so angry. Why? Why did this happen? Why him and not someone else? I look back and see what a selfish thing that is to say. It's hard forgetting the emotions.
My wedding was 3 weeks away. My Papaw never saw the first of his grandchildren to be married. He would never meet his first great-grandchild. He would have loved Benjamin so much. And I know that Benjamin would have loved him in return.
Last night at church they sang one of the songs that my Papaw requested be sung at his funeral: To Canaan's Land I'm On My Way. As soon as I heard the number called out, I knew. Somehow I woke up that morning and knew it would be sung, and I knew I couldn't sing it. I cried the entire time and hoped that nobody would notice. I've only been able to sing that song a few times since the funeral. It's a hard one to sing.
It's been 3 years, and I never expected to still feel so emotional about this. Is it a good thing? A good thing that I still remember him and feel so strongly about him? Everyone grieves differently. I don't think I'll ever "move on".
Heaven will be a beautiful place, when we are all reunited with our loved ones.
I miss Papaw.
Today's "30 Days of Music" is very appropriate: day 04 - a song that makes you sad.
It's a song that my dad showed me a couple weeks ago, and I spent the rest of the night remembering Papaw.
Chet Atkins - "I Still Can't Say Goodbye"
I still can't say goodbye.
