why do you always call me your baby?

This morning, Benjamin asked me a question: “Mom, why do you always call me your baby?”

I told him it was because I loved him and never wanted him to grow up. He told me that he wanted to grow up big like daddy, and I asked him if it bothered him that I called him my baby. He told me that it did.

My heart sank a little when he said that.

Okay, it sank a lot.

I have known for a while that this was coming. He would no longer want to be called my baby. He would no longer want to cuddle and snuggle under the covers like he used to. I had thought that I’d been preparing myself for this, but this morning, I was not prepared. I wanted to squeeze him and tell him that no matter what, he was still going to be my baby, and he didn’t have to like it. That’s just the way it is. Always my baby.

Instead, I asked him if I could call him my big boy, and he said that I could. That is, after all, what he is. He’s big enough to dress himself. Big enough to turn on lights by himself. Big enough to use the bathroom alone. Big enough to sleep in his big, full-sized bed without any rails. Big enough to walk through Walmart without having to hold a hand constantly.

He’s a big boy. He’s four years old. He wants to do things on his own. He doesn’t want to be a baby anymore.

But you know… I hate to break it to Benjamin, but he is always going to be my baby. I remember the first few minutes after his birth, as everything around me went black and all I could hear was the quiet panic of the nurses around me as they scrambled to stop my bleeding and tried to find my pulse. For a short moment, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would not get to truly meet my baby boy because there was nothing they could do to stop the bleeding, so I thought.

The baby boy I thought I’d never get to hold again will always be my baby boy.

So, don’t tell Benjamin, but I am secretly going to keep calling him my baby. Because he always will be.

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up