To my sweet Clara Grace,

I never thought that I would ever be a mommy to a little girl. I had always seen myself as a mommy to boys, probably because Benjamin came first and there were four years between him and you. I was afraid to be a mommy to a little girl because I didn’t know if I’d be very good at it. Being a mommy is scary sometimes. But I am so, so thankful that God chose me to be your mommy and that you are my little girl.

You have been in our arms (let’s be honest, mostly my arms, you little mommy’s girl!) for one year now. One whole year! This year has flown by and we have gone through so many changes together. Can you believe that you have moved three times already in your short little life? You have gotten eight teeth and have two more on the way! You aren’t walking … yet. You prefer that mommy carry you everywhere and if I don’t carry you, you just speed crawl wherever you want to go. You can say mama, dada, bubba, and thank you (when you want to), and you know what sound a puppy makes.

Clara Grace, you are a precious, sweet, funny girl and we love you to pieces. I am so excited that it is your birthday and I can’t wait to celebrate with all our family and friends! You are such a blessing, and I am so, so proud to be your mommy!

I love you, a bushel and a peck!

taking candy from a baby

yeah, I took candy from that baby, and I’ll do it again, too!

It’s always nice to find your almost 11 month old happily holding two soggy Reese’s Cups on the floor, taking them away, and as she crawls after you crying, notice there is a third one in her mouth… pretty much all gone {except for the wrapper, thankfully}.

I am telling you… this girl is out of control. I had a feeling she was going to be a handful but nothing could have prepared us for Hurricane Clara, especially after Benjamin who was always so easy-going and never got into too much as a baby.

This girl is going to give me grey hair.

silly, messy Clara Grace… every day is an adventure with you!

Benjamin at Five Years Old.

Here’s a fun little thing that I did with Benjamin the past two years. I wanted to do this again because it’s really neat to look back and see how his answers have changed. Plus, he’s hilarious. So here’s a quick little survey, with Benjamin’s answers in Bold.

1. What is your favorite color? Red.
2. What is your favorite toy? Uh, my lego watch. {Which he got for his birthday}
3. What is your favorite fruit? Apples?
4. What is your favorite TV show? Jonah {VeggieTales}
5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Peanut Butter Sandwich!
6. What is your favorite outfit? My Georgia outfit! {which he also got for his birthday}
7. What is your favorite game? Raymond Legends
8. What is your favorite snack? Moon Pies
9. What is your favorite animal? A whale
10. What is your favorite song? Jesus Loves Me
11. What is your favorite book? My whale book, I mean my library book.
12. Who is your best friend? Dylan {okay this was cute}
13. What is your favorite cereal? Honey Comb cereal
14. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Play Pokemon
15. What is your favorite drink? Capri Sun
16. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas
17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? Well, right now I’m going to take my watch.
18. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Honey comb ceral
19. What is your favorite thing for dinner? Spaghetti
20. What do you want to be when you grow up? A lot of different stuff that grown-ups can be.
21. What is your favorite movie? You already know… {he says, exasperated} Jonah. VeggieTale Jonah.
22. Who is your favorite superhero? Batman & Robin
23. Where is your favorite place to go? Lanett
24. What is your favorite Bible story? Jonah in the fish
25. What is your favorite Old Testament story? How ‘bout Genesis? And my New Testament one is Matthew.
26. What is your favorite memory verse? “In the beginning, God made the heavens and the earth.” “That’s in Genesis 1:1”
27. What is your favorite letter? “The robot one.” {Yeah, I don’t know, either.}

If you’d like to read his previous years:

Benjamin at Three Years Old
Benjamin at Four Years Old

facing ptsd, a year later.

***Because I have friends who have had difficult experiences or who may have slightly elevated hormones, I’m going to go ahead and say that this post can be a BIG TRIGGER as I talk about my PTSD and events surrounding it.***

It has been a little over a year now since I have been dealing with my PTSD resulting from Benjamin’s birth almost five years ago. I wanted to tell you all that I am so thankful for every prayer that you may have offered up on my behalf, or on the behalf of my family as they help me through this. I was thinking yesterday how I couldn’t believe how soon Benjamin would be five and how five years ago, I would have never, ever thought I’d be facing the challenges that I still face on a daily basis because of what happened.

Five years ago today, I was still pregnant, still counting on my baby boy to arrive in a mere five days {which did not happen… he was late then and still to this day, he takes his time doing just about everything}. I was not planning on experiencing a traumatic birth in ten days’ time, facing the reality that if I had not been stitched up when I was, I could have been dead. I had no thoughts whatsoever that it could happen to me. I knew women tore in childbirth but for whatever reason I had no idea that women could bleed to death after bringing a new precious baby into the world.

For a few weeks now, I have been contemplating this blog post, but I have not been able to bring myself to talk about it. Sometimes it’s hard. I have not been regularly taking my medicine for a while now because I haven’t been sure if I’d be able to get my refills. I had been wanting to be off medication completely by the end of December, but I was unaware of the changes we’d be going through as a family and stress of moving that we would be enduring.

Every little thing that is out of the norm for me can set my teeth on edge. Being away from all my friends who were so helpful to me in dealing with everything has been hard. Being in a new place and being afraid that people won’t “get it” has been hard.

Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel a little more on edge than others and I can be a little snippier than I’d prefer to be. Sometimes when my friends go into labor, I get really, really scared. I almost had a panic attack watching a certain show where a young lady was going into labor and was losing a lot of blood… yeah, I certainly was not prepared for that!!

But a lot of the time, I’m okay. A lot of the time, I’m better than okay, and sometimes I’m just not okay.

But I’m okay right now, and I just wanted you all to know that I appreciate all your support over the last year.

Especially my caring, thoughtful, understanding, and loving husband who has been my ROCK and who has helped me every step of the way.

I’m blessed, and I’m okay.

my favorite event of 2013

Happy New Year, everyone! May God bless you in 2014!

looking back & looking forward

I have not been very good at blogging recently. I used to do well to get one post a day out and I’m sure that was excessive as all get out, but somehow it tapered off to a couple of posts here and there in the month if we were lucky. We’ve been busy with Clara and moving and so many changes.

We’re inching closer and closer to a new year, a fresh slate, a brand new beginning. This past year perhaps could be dubbed “The Year of Challenges” or “The Year of Changes” because we went through so many of both in 2013, but I am sure the next year will bring both as well.

This time last year, I was still only beginning to face my PTSD, beginning to deal with the fact that I had to take antidepressants to help me out as I faced it. Around this time, Benjamin was in the hospital for a second time. We were a few weeks short of meeting our sweet baby girl. Everything was busy, everything was emotional.

This past year has been filled with such a chaos of emotions. Depression, anxiety, joy, fear, anger, hope, sorrow, love, happiness. So many what-if moments, so many blessed moments, so many how-can-this-be-happening-to-US moments. So many thank-you-FATHER moments. I have experienced heartache. I have experienced helplessness. I have experienced hopefulness. I have experienced darkness and light. Love. So much love.

Moments that I wouldn’t dare change because they are necessary.

I’ve grown so much.

We – Carl and I – have grown so much.

Our family has grown so much.

Every time we start a new year, I always hope that by the time it’s over, I can look back and honestly say that I’m a better person now than I was a year ago… and looking back, I think that I am in some areas. In some areas, I’m not. Let’s be honest here, I’m not perfect. I could do better and I hope that I do.

This time next year… I really do hope to be able to look back and say that I’ve conquered myself a little more, that I’ve surrendered my stubborn soul to Him more than the year before, that I’ve given my all to the people I love.

I pray that you… whoever happens to be reading this… whether you’ve endured heartaches or happiness, whether your heart has been weighed down by sorrow and pain or whether it’s been lifted up with joy and peacefulness… I wish you all beauty and growth in the new year. I hope that your soul blooms. I hope that your life overflows with blessing so much that you just can’t stand it.

I hope that this next year is met with courage no matter your circumstance, and determination to be able to look back and say, this time next year, that you did your best and you’re better for it.

Me… I want to be a better wife, a better mother, a better daughter, a better sister, a better in-law, a better… everything. Above all a better Christian. My New Year’s resolution… my every day forthcoming resolution, is to try.

from our family to yours…

May your days be Merry & Bright, and may God bless you in the upcoming new year!