looking back & looking forward

I have not been very good at blogging recently. I used to do well to get one post a day out and I’m sure that was excessive as all get out, but somehow it tapered off to a couple of posts here and there in the month if we were lucky. We’ve been busy with Clara and moving and so many changes.

We’re inching closer and closer to a new year, a fresh slate, a brand new beginning. This past year perhaps could be dubbed “The Year of Challenges” or “The Year of Changes” because we went through so many of both in 2013, but I am sure the next year will bring both as well.

This time last year, I was still only beginning to face my PTSD, beginning to deal with the fact that I had to take antidepressants to help me out as I faced it. Around this time, Benjamin was in the hospital for a second time. We were a few weeks short of meeting our sweet baby girl. Everything was busy, everything was emotional.

This past year has been filled with such a chaos of emotions. Depression, anxiety, joy, fear, anger, hope, sorrow, love, happiness. So many what-if moments, so many blessed moments, so many how-can-this-be-happening-to-US moments. So many thank-you-FATHER moments. I have experienced heartache. I have experienced helplessness. I have experienced hopefulness. I have experienced darkness and light. Love. So much love.

Moments that I wouldn’t dare change because they are necessary.

I’ve grown so much.

We – Carl and I – have grown so much.

Our family has grown so much.

Every time we start a new year, I always hope that by the time it’s over, I can look back and honestly say that I’m a better person now than I was a year ago… and looking back, I think that I am in some areas. In some areas, I’m not. Let’s be honest here, I’m not perfect. I could do better and I hope that I do.

This time next year… I really do hope to be able to look back and say that I’ve conquered myself a little more, that I’ve surrendered my stubborn soul to Him more than the year before, that I’ve given my all to the people I love.

I pray that you… whoever happens to be reading this… whether you’ve endured heartaches or happiness, whether your heart has been weighed down by sorrow and pain or whether it’s been lifted up with joy and peacefulness… I wish you all beauty and growth in the new year. I hope that your soul blooms. I hope that your life overflows with blessing so much that you just can’t stand it.

I hope that this next year is met with courage no matter your circumstance, and determination to be able to look back and say, this time next year, that you did your best and you’re better for it.

Me… I want to be a better wife, a better mother, a better daughter, a better sister, a better in-law, a better… everything. Above all a better Christian. My New Year’s resolution… my every day forthcoming resolution, is to try.

Wordy Wednesday

Yesterday was so busy. We got up and started going and didn't stop until late at night. Here's what we did (and I apologize for the lack of pictures... we were so busy I barely had time to pick up my camera!):

We went to run our errands. First we had to go by Longhorn's to pick up Hubby's debit card that we left on Valentine's day. Then we went to pick up Hubby's new desk for his office (he's been using either the coffee table or the dining room table to do his work). It's really big and really nice. I am really glad we decided to go for it because it was a really good deal! We then went grocery shopping, and by this time Benjamin was still being really good but was getting tired. By the time we got to the checkout line, he was getting cranky.

After all our errands were run, we went home to put Benjamin down for a nap and food for us. I also took that time to make my cupcakes, which were brownie cupcakes. I lost my temper as well, and I wish I could have chalked it up to being stressed, but I can't. I can only chalk it up to something I need to work on. I like for things to go my way, and I couldn't get my icing to go my way so I got frustrated. Looking back, that's really a stupid thing to get so worked up about! Anyway, as you can see, I am flawed! But I'm working on it.

We finished everything up at home and then we went on to visit one of the members from the congregation at her home. It was a nice visit and we got to relax and just talk while Benjamin walked everywhere and wanted to play with everything.

When we were driving over there, we got a call from my grandmother who lives in South Carolina. She was calling on behalf of one of the members at the congregation she attends who has family in Warner Robins. His mother is very elderly and is suffering from ovarian and pancreatic cancer. They have just found out and she is in poor shape. She was at the hospital there in town and he was hoping we would be able to go visit and pray with them there. The woman's daughter was there with her. It broke my heart to see a woman suffering like that. We dropped Benjamin off at our friends' house, so it was just us. You could tell that the woman was very loved and that many were affected by this.

Yesterday I watched a lady take care of her dying mother and I pray that I will never have to do that with my own mother.

We prayed with our new acquaintances and gave them Hubby's card so they can call us if anything changes or if they need anything. We left (after I made a fool of myself on the elevator... I'm such a ditz!) feeling very humbled and reminded of the frailty of life.

We made our way back to Chris and Kayla's and there we spent the rest of the evening. It was Lost night so we had food and just got to talk and hang out as well as watch the show.

And that was our day. We woke up late this morning and Benjamin is watching his Wiggles now. Hubby is putting together his new desk. I'm thinking about calling my mom in a little while. Hope you're having a good week so far!

Attitude

I am blogging with a headache. I feel like I've had a headache since the first of the year because we have been through the wringer it seems. I've been so emotional - a whirlwind of tears and upsets and everything it seems! I seriously have not been involved in so much drama in such a short amount of time! Last night when something else surfaced, I started thinking "This too? Why??" trying to understand why I've been having to deal with so much stuff concerning family and friends and even strangers. Sometimes it just gets overwhelming, especially when you've got so much other stuff going on in your life.

But then today I was thinking (in the shower - that is my absolute favorite place to think because it just seems to drown everything else out) and talking to God about it. I came to my own conclusion that perhaps God is trying to teach me how to conduct myself when I come to situations like the ones I've had to deal with. Perhaps I'm getting a lesson in grace and mercy, as well as maintaining a Christian Attitude. I've been reading a book (if you noticed in my sidebar) about the Christian Attitude and many things that hinder us from having an acceptable attitude (Anger, Self Image). I don't think I could have chosen a better study topic for myself to help me through my trials.

Anyway, that's just what's been on my mind lately. I hope you all have been having a wonderful weekend, and have a blessed Lord's Day tomorrow. I don't know about you, but I am so ready to worship God in the morning with the Saints!

Oh, and if this doesn't cheer me up, I don't know what could!

Praying Just to Pray

Every day it seems that someone new is requesting prayers for some difficulty a friend or family member is having in their life, or maybe even for themselves. I love to pray for other people. I know God has commanded us in His word to pray for the sick (James 5:24) and to pray for God's people (Philippians 1:9-11) by Paul's example. I like to remember to pray to God for our daily needs (Matthew 6:11), and especially for forgiveness when it's needed (Acts 8:22-24). I pray for strength and to resist temptation when I'm faced with one (Matthew 6:13, 26:41). I even try to remember to pray for my enemies (Matthew 5:44), even though I really don't like to call anyone my enemy. We always pray when we sit down to eat, too!

But I was just thinking today... when do I ever pray just to pray?

I have reasons to pray every day. There are so many hurting people out there. And there are also so many reasons to be thankful and to rejoice! But when do I ever just sit down and pray just to pray to my God? Just to talk? Just to let Him know what's on my mind? Sometimes I just feel like venting and sometimes I go to my husband and let him know what's on my mind and what's got me so riled up. Why don't I go to God like that? When something's upset me, how come I don't just sit down and talk through it with the Father?

I think about Daniel, who three times daily knelt down in his home (while in captivity!), to pray to God. Three times daily! Daniel made time to talk to God, and I just pray when we're about to eat or when I get to thinking about those who have asked for and need prayers. I sing the song to Benjamin in Bible Class "Read Your Bible, Pray Every Day" - Listen to God and Talk to God every day - yet I find that I don't do that half the time! Isn't that awful?

It's something I need to work on. It's something I am going to work on. It's something so crucial to my walk with God, and it needs my attention! God needs my attention just as those I pray for need His.

So, the question for you is, how often do you pray just to pray?

Why I Blog

Every time I sit down and write, I like to think about why I blog before I actually write something. I like to think about what sort of message I want to put out, how I want to convey myself to the rest of the world. I don't act "fake", but I always want to make sure anything I say is said with a loving, Christian attitude. There have been times I would sit down having read or heard something and just want to fly off the handle. But I don't write to get back at someone, or to prove a point. And I have to remind myself this every single time. I sometimes have a hard time with jumping the gun, so this is necessary!

I blog to help people and to encourage people. I like to edify others as the Bible commands, and hopefully to bring others to Christ. This is very important to me, so the way I write and what I write should be thought about. And I've got to tell you, if I had finished and published all those posts that I had been ready to write and post, this blog would have such a different atmosphere and I doubt I'd have made so many friends by it! If all I did was come on here to vent, I don't see how I could be as encouraging as I strive to be in my daily life. I want to be a good example to others.

I blog to help myself, too. I'm a young wife, and a young mother. There are a lot of times when I just don't think I know what I'm doing. Blogging is another way for me to connect with other mothers who have been where I am and where I'm going. I appreciate all the encouragement I get from you all! Being a mother is tough. Being a preacher's wife is tough enough - you get scrutinized more than "regular" Christians (although preachers and preacher's wives are just the same as any other Christian, or should be!). Mothers, though, are also scrutinized more than "regular" wives. Our children are looked at everywhere we go. Our houses are looked at because somehow in between feeding mouths and wiping bottoms and pouring juice and doctor visits and baths, we're supposed to also be super cleaners with every little thing put away. Don't you just love it when you meet that person who says "You know? It doesn't matter." - that person is your new best friend! I love connecting to moms here who totally get what I'm going through or dealing with!

I also blog because my son is growing up too fast. I like to be able to access my memories and see what Ben was doing when. I hope I can keep this up long enough to blog about our future children, whenever they may come along. All in the good Lord's timing.

These are just a few things I remind myself when I sit down to write. I ask myself a few questions:

1. Why am I writing this?
2. Is what I am writing edifying to others, or harmful?
3. Do my words bring glory to God?
4. Would I care if God were following my blog, or would I be embarrassed to know he read it? *And I know God knows our very thoughts and knows everything we ever say or do, but this is a good reminder to keep me in check*
5. Am I portraying a Christ-like attitude?
6. Will I regret this when I go back and read it later?

7. Why are there fruit loops all over my floor?

That last one isn't one that I ask myself every time I blog. But the question did just come across my mind, so you know what's going on over here. And that's my cue! My little man in moose jammies is so cute this morning and oh dear. He just tripped with a mini box of fruit loops and they are all over the floor again...

Happy Due Date

Today a year ago was Benjamin's due date. I just now remembered this...
Kind of strange to think about, and yet I can remember exactly how I felt...
Disappointment that he hadn't come, frustration that everyone felt the need to point it out...

Five days later, our lives changed forever!

Realizations

You know?



I have come to quite a few realizations recently. And sometimes for me, stubborn as I am, it is a hard thing for me to admit. Not that I've made a realization, but that my realization is sad (in some cases) but true. And, you know? I like to come over here and share my thoughts often. So I'm going to share a few of my realizations with you.

Realization number One: I do not weigh 109 pounds. I did once, but then came Benjamin and I do not weigh that much anymore. I do lay claim to 109 pounds, but that's not all. I've recently come to the realization that I have transcended my pre-baby weight and what's left here is a young lady who went through 9 months and five days carrying around the greatest responsibility God has bestowed upon me and my husband. I have more stretch marks than I would ever care to attempt to count, and even if I did, I'd probably be too embarrassed to tell you all. I'm not exaggerating, trust me. I have recently come to the realization that just because I can pull on a skirt or a pair of pants (while sucking in as much as I can and not breathing for at least thirty seconds) does not mean that it fits. I mean, even if I can "fit" in it, why do I want everyone to know that all my weight settled there of all places (and you all know which there I'm talking about!). Having a baby is life-changing, relationship-changing, financially-changing, perspective-changing, and body-image-changing, and it's only taken me 11 days shy of a year for this realization.

I'm getting off to a good start, aren't I?



Realization number Two: Being the mother of a toddler means my house is not clean. Since I got married, I have been self-conscious about the way I keep my house. I started off wanting to have it always clean "just like my mom". Little did I know then that it takes time to get to a point where everything has a place and every place has a thing. And then we moved. And we had a baby. And I want my house to be spic-and-span, and yet in any given room, there are things with no places. If I spent every waking moment of every day (and obviously this is not what I am doing) cleaning, I could probably have a very clean house to be quite proud of. But what I'd be missing out on instead is the little things like how Benjamin stands at the baby gate while he watches his Blues Clues, or how he said 'Nana' for the first time today, or how he's gotten better and better at walking. I've come to the realization that if I want to keep my house clean, I have to walk around behind my toddler and pick up everything he puts down immediately, because once that's done he is on to the next thing. I realize my house is not perfect. I realize there are dishes in the sink and toys everywhere. I realize my dirty clothes pile seems to get too big too quick. But while I realize that, I also realize that in 11 days, my baby boy is going to be one year old. I don't want to miss any firsts because I'm too worried about what my house looks like.



Realization number Three: I make mistakes, and so do others. One of the hardest things to realize is when we realize we aren't perfect, and what's even harder is when others realize this as well. Along the same lines, it's hard to deal with the realization that people you love and care about make mistakes as well. I realize that nobody save Jesus Christ is perfect. I realize that friends and family sometimes have disagreements. But that doesn't mean we can't deal with these disagreements in Christian manners. And sometimes we forget our manners and when someone else points this out to us, we have to realize that they are right. And I've come to the realization that when this happens, instead of making excuses or being nasty, the very best thing to do is apologize and do what you can to make things right. Last year I had a friend who had a disagreement with me and that ended up as being the end of our friendship. I've come to the realization that this really never had to happen. You know, Benjamin is so good at communicating, although we don't always understand what he needs when he's trying to tell us. But sometimes adults are worse than that in that they don't even communicate to each other before jumping to the conclusion, and sometimes we don't even make any sort of attempt. I've come to the realization that in most cases, disagreements are inevitable, but that doesn't mean they have to be detrimental. If we just make the efforts to come to reach a good conclusion, one that is helpful for all, we could all end up happy and not have to cut someone out of our life. I for one need to work on my communication skills - I have a problem sometimes with my temper and with jumping the gun, and I do realize this. So, friends, be patient if you notice this flaw about me!

And, friend from last year, if you are reading, please know that I love you and think about you often!



So concludes my realizations for today. Tomorrow? A dear friend's wedding in Atlanta. I hope you all have a blessed weekend, and stay warm!

Great Things He Has Done

We're four days into 2010 and I can already tell this is going to be a blessed year. Last year was full of many blessings, a few trials, lots of laughter and lots of tears. I am so thankful that I've had my family throughout everything. So thankful that we were able to 'grow' our family. God is so good. He has blessed me in so many ways that I can't even comprehend. Some things could be blessings in disguise and perhaps one day I will look back and see how it all fits into a bigger picture, but until then, I'll just thank God for all the blessings He so bountifully pours out onto our family.



We've made so many friends this past year, and I am so thankful that we were able to ring in the New Year, surrounded by many new friends. Contrastly, I've lost a couple friends due to lack of communication or perhaps a falling out, but that's okay too. When I look back, I can see how it can be for the better.



This year is bound to be a busy one. Benjamin will have his first birthday party this month! I've already ordered the invitations, and his birthday shirt is on the way. I just have to smooth out all the details and execute! Which is always the hardest part for me... the execution. I know what I want, I just have to muster up the energy to get it done. Any helpful websites you could suggest would be more than welcome!



I love that boy so much!



Yeah, I am thinking this is going to be an incredible year. I am praying for many more blessings to come, and thanking God for all He has already done for us in our lives! To God be the glory, great things He has done!



Oh, P.S. ... A new year is a good excuse for a new Blog Look, right? Keep a lookout for that! I'm thinking we're going to turn this blog around a bit. :)