perfect timing.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you have something weighing heavily on your mind and then all of the sudden, something someone says or does, or perhaps something you see, is exactly what you needed at that very moment?

This just happened to me.

I had seriously opened up Windows Live Writer to write a blog post to open up a bit about how my PTSD/depression had been “treating me” lately.

It’s better than before, most of the time. I get up and take my antidepressant every day {I think… I’m so tired that some days I can’t remember whether or not I’ve taken it} and can’t help but feel a little resentful toward that little pill for having to “rely” on it to be able to function. When it was prescribed to me, I felt the same way… defeated and irritated at myself for having to take medication for something I didn’t fully understand, and still don’t sometimes.

But there are times when my anxiety gets the better of me, still. It makes me feel a little over protective of Clara, especially in the evenings when she is extra fussy. Her crying makes my anxiety spike a bit and I admit that pretty much every night, I will end up in tears myself because the anxiety is overwhelming.

I think I’ve sort of closed in on myself again. The focus isn’t on me, it’s on Clara, and my problems just have to be tucked away until there’s a more ‘convenient’ time to deal with them. I know I shouldn’t do this. I know it only makes it worse. Dealing with this makes me feel so isolated, like nobody understands me. It’s hard when you feel like you have to fight something alone, when a lot of days it feels bigger than you.

Which brings me around to what I was talking about earlier, coming across something at the right time. I was looking on Facebook {as Clara was crying and making my anxiety spike just a little more} and came across an image with this caption: “Are you discouraged or feeling alone? Please know you never out of God's sight. (Psalm 139:3) God loves you.”

 

I needed that tonight. I’m not as isolated as I think, and God is way bigger than my anxieties and setbacks. He’s way bigger than that little pill and I rely on Him, not it.

Sometimes I lose sight of this, but thank God He never loses sight of me.

Wordless Wednesday: Soft

 

adjusting… pt 2.

I know I was asking for it when I said yesterday that things were going really well as far as adjusting was going.

Wouldn’t you know that today was a really difficult day? Maybe it was because last night, miss Clara decided she wanted to be awake more than she was asleep, and her favorite thing to do while she is awake is to nurse. Being awake is exhausting enough but spending that time nursing is even more so. Don’t get me wrong – I know I am blessed with this sweet child and I tell myself very frequently what a blessing it is to have this little one to depend on me {I know I’ve mentioned it in previous posts and I hope I’m not tiring y’all out by saying it so often… I’m trying to ingrain it within me, ha!}.

But today was hard. I think perhaps both kids sort of fed off of my “I’m-too-tired-for-this” vibes, because both were giving me a run for my money. One would not let me put her down for anything – and like I said earlier, her favorite thing to do is nurse… and the other was acting out, which I assume is just something that comes along with him adjusting to not having all the attention on him anymore.

I told myself several times throughout the day that we are all adjusting to the new changes in our home life here. The dynamic is different. We’re learning more about each other as a new baby, as a mommy to a newborn and a preschooler, and a big brother who just a couple weeks ago was an only child.

Yes, I did wash my hair with body wash when I finally was able to get a shower today {at 5PM, by the way}.

I am pretty sure I’m losing my mind.

And there’s a possibility that tomorrow could be better… could be the same… or could be worse. Who knows?

Pray for us all as we continue to take on the ups and downs of adjusting!

However… I didn’t mention the sweet moments… they were there as well. I am hoping to do better at focusing more on those, instead of the moments that have me wanting to rip my hair out.

For now, both kids are asleep. Who knows how long that will last for the littlest one? I’m enjoying the quiet evening with my husband, making plans in my head for the coming day, knowing that I most likely won’t get to do half the things I want to do… but I can at least attempt them.

Here’s to adjusting… and for quiet evenings no matter how long they happen to last!

just a season.

Today we dropped my mom off at the train station after two weeks of her being around to help out with Benjamin and the house as I have been recovering from surgery and attempting to take the infamous advice that everyone gives new mothers, “Sleep when the baby sleeps”. The past couple of weeks have been very good ones in terms of recovery. It’s also been really nice to have my mom around in the first place because she is one of my best friends and I miss being closer to home and seeing her more often.

So, now we are on our own for a little while until Carl’s mother comes for a visit… and I’m not really nervous about taking care of two kids and the house {as best as my recovery allows… I’m not going to push anything because at my appointment today, my doctor said everything is healing up perfectly and I certainly don’t want to reverse that}, it’s just that I’m … tired.

Like, really tired.

I’m starting to remember what it’s like to have a newborn in the house {not a bad thing!} and just how exhausted you can be because of it. It can be frustrating when you need rest and can’t always get what you need because you have a baby that wants to nurse every hour.

At times where I have wanted to sit down and cry, I’ve had to remind myself that this is just a season. At some point, the cluster feedings will end. And then, the nursing will end all together. And then, Clara will be busy toddling around and won’t want to be the cuddlebug that she is now. And then, she’ll be big like Benjamin and getting ready to start school…

It’s just a season, and while it’s a frustrating one, it’s a blessing to have someone who depends so entirely on you.

And it sort of reminds me about how the Bible tells us we’re to be like little children… and how dependent we are supposed to be on God, and how we are supposed to rely on Him for everything. and trust Him for everything.

So maybe it’s all a lesson to me about how I need to be more like Clara, and Benjamin, and put all my trust into my Heavenly Father… maybe it’s a lesson to me to try and emulate my Heavenly Father by caring for my children, no matter the things that may frustrate me {because I am certain that there are things I do that probably make God sigh}.

Perspective. I needed that.

little bitty girl,

tomorrow is your birthday.

i want you to know how much your daddy and i have anticipated this day. you will never know how much we love you and how many times we prayed for you. i feel like this time with you growing inside of my belly has gone by so fast and yet so slow at the same time. it’s been a difficult journey, but i know that no matter what, all of that will just melt away when i hear your first cries and see your sweet little face.

your big brother is so excited to meet you. he loves to talk about you to anyone who will listen and i can’t wait to see his face when he first sees yours. i wonder if you’ll look like him or if you’ll look completely different. i wonder what your personality will be like – will you be as energetic as you have been the past nine months? will you have a larger-than-life personality that will keep us on our toes? i have a feeling that your big brother is going to be your inspiration… i can just imagine you trying to do all the things that he does, and i can’t wait.

tomorrow is your birthday and although i'm scared of the major changes this will bring to our life as a little family, i am excited more than i can express.

bitty girl, we are so in love with you already. we can’t wait to meet you and hold you and show you just how much we love you.

happy birthday, bitty girl.

one more week.

38 weeks pregnant and we are still hanging in there! I meant to update after our appointment on Wednesday but never got the chance. We were disappointed to find out that all this contracting has done diddly squat but made me uncomfortable. Believe me, I don’t *want* an early baby {39 weeks is early enough} but these contractions are just starting to get annoying, especially knowing that they aren’t doing anything to change my cervix. Ah well, it is what it is.

This photo was taken on Wednesday before my appointment. This morning, however, I woke up and my stomach looked a lot smaller. The only thing I can think of is that she has moved down lower into my pelvis and perhaps has moved more to the back. But who knows? All I know is that my contractions have changed yet again and all I can do is wonder if these will send me into active labor, or if I’m just going to have to endure these as well.

I think I’m just going to count on next Friday being Baby C’s birthday, as scheduled. And I’m okay with that, anyway. I’m getting used to the annoying contractions and the pain, and I’ve been given a pain medication to help me get rest at night and it is glorious to actually get sleep. So if I can get one week of good sleep before Bitty Girl comes into the world, I’m okay with that. Because something tells me I’m gonna be needing that extra rest. ;-)

By this time next week, we will have our sweet baby and I’m sure all these annoying, painful, miserable, inconvenient, and downright torturous symptoms I’ve had to endure these 9 months will be ancient history and we’ll be over the moon happy to have her here.

Please pray fervently for us as we get closer and closer to meeting her. Please pray for my recovery after my c-section, and please pray that everything goes well – with the surgery and with the sweet darling girl. Pray she is healthy! One week early is still one week early!

I appreciate all of you who have been assuring me that you’ve been praying for me, as well as all the mail and texts and messages we’ve received. You will never know how much it means to me to know that there are people out there who are thinking of us. It makes all of this so much easier for me. I know I don’t have to say how hard this pregnancy has been on me, and I hate bringing it up all the time because I feel like a whiner, but I never expected to be placed on antidepressants during all of this. Your support and love and prayers have made everything so much easier to bear, and I am indebted to you all – you just don’t know how much you have all helped and how much I appreciate you.

I can’t wait for this week to pass and to be able to share our sweet girl with you!

And in case you need a reminder, the two names we’re down to are:

Charlotte or Clara

And I love to see who thinks which name, so keep posting your guess if you haven’t already!

xoxoxo

maybe baby?

So, last Friday was eventful. Almost too eventful for me. I was silent as the old guy pushed my wheel chair {ps – I was so embarrassed to be wheeled out of the doctor’s office in front of a room full of pregnant ladies… like seriously… I’m sure everyone was looking at me!} through the labyrinth of the hospital. He asked me if I was okay, and I answered, “I’m freaking out a little bit!” And a little bit was kind of an understatement. I broke down a couple times as I laid there with the monitors on me. It was just so out of the blue and I never thought I’d actually go into labor on my own, since I was induced with Benjamin five days after his due date. And I mean this was three whole weeks before the fact!

Anyway, I called Monday to make another appointment since I didn’t get to do so on Friday, expecting to either get a Thursday or Friday appointment as I normally do. Nope. Wednesday morning at 9:30.

The thing is, my contractions haven’t stopped since I left the hospital. I am definitely in labor, and I am pretty sure that once I am checked again, they’ll find the contractions have been doing what they’re made to do… and this time, they’ll tell me it’s time to have a baby. Because if they don’t, I could go into REALLY active labor and I just don’t think they want that {since they scheduled my c-section a week before my due date}.

So… If my predictions {and pretty much everyone else I’ve talked to about this} are correct… we could possibly be leaving the hospital in four{ish} days instead of tomorrow afternoon. Meaning, it could be baby time very, very soon.

Nervous! Excited! Anxious! Ahhh!

But ever since Thursday {before I knew I was in labor, but was feeling so off that I almost knew}, I have been praying to God for courage and strength, and to help me trust Him more. And I do. I trust God. I know He is with us. I feel peace when I remind myself of this. So yeah, I’m kinda freaking out on the inside because things are about to be very different – whether it happens this week or next – but I feel at peace with the way things are going.

Our bags are packed, our car is cleaned, baby C’s car seat is installed… {and Benjamin got a new seat himself because he is getting to be such a big boy!} we are ready in that regard. Mom and Dad are ready to leave at any given moment to be here to help take care of Benjamin.

We are planning on keeping our phones off during and after the procedure until Benjamin has been able to meet his sister, so updates will come after the fact… but I would love if you would keep us in your prayers! And who knows – maybe the next time you hear from me, I’ll have a sweet bundle of joy to show off as well!

We’ll see you when we see you!

close call.

Well, today was eventful to say the very least. I didn’t really expect to go in to my doctor’s appointment this morning and end up staying 6 hours hooked up to monitors to observe my contractions. I’ve never been in labor before – natural labor anyway – so I’ve been trying to pay careful attention to any changes in my body here as we are reaching the very end of this pregnancy. Yesterday, I told Carl that I didn’t feel right. This whole week I’ve been feeling kind of off, but especially yesterday, things just didn’t feel right.

Apparently, my feelings had some validation to them because, surprise!, I’m actually in early labor. My contractions while in the hospital today were 2-3 minutes apart, and while I was in labor & delivery, they were off the chart. I was given an IV of fluids in hopes that they would make the contractions stop. If they didn’t stop, then it was real labor. If they did, false alarm.

They didn’t stop. I’m in early labor, but thankfully since it’s not active labor, they decided to send me home because they didn’t want to give me a c-section so early unless I was in active labor.

Seriously thankful to God because I am not ready, not today. I was pretty certain that I was going to be holding a baby by the end of the night, and I was terrified. So I am really thankful that they decided to discharge me.

Please keep us in your prayers. Being in early labor means I could go any day now, or I could make it the next two weeks until my scheduled c-section date – and the latter is my preference.

ANYWAY -

37 weeks, and yes, if you think she looks lower, she is. If you think I look tired in that picture, I was, and I’m even more so now!

Let’s finish up this name game, shall we? Or at least narrow it down to the last two. Like I said last week, we’ll skip the name game next week and the next you’ll hear about it is when we make the final announcement! Excited?? Me, too!

Charlotte
Carleigh
Camryn
Carla
Camilla
Chloe
Cora
Clara
Caitlin
Charity
Clementine

I love the name Clementine, but that is also not the name we chose. So, down to the last two:

Charlotte or Clara ??

You’ll find out soon enough!

slow it down.

Perhaps it’s because we have gotten down to the wire here in the last two weeks of the pregnancy {if you want to be technical, two weeks and two days}. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten to the point where I just can’t do what I used to be able to do, whether because I’m too big in the tummy, too tired, or my super un-fun symptoms keep me from doing it… and that to me is frustrating. Maybe it’s because of the insomnia or maybe it’s just part of the last couple weeks in general, but it feels like time is slowing down for me.

Granted, I don’t want it to speed up, not really. Sure, it’d be nice to get rid of these symptoms. It’d be nice not to have feet jamming up into my ribs, or having to haul a giant belly around, or from side to side if I get uncomfortable in bed. It’d be nice to not have to visit the bathroom so often because a little miss is pushing on my bladder. It’d be nice to not be out of breath doing normal, every day, mundane tasks.

It’d also be nice to hold my sweet baby in my arms and be able to look at her face, instead of just wondering what she looks like while she kicks and thrashes in my belly. It’d be nice to see all this hard work {growing a baby IS hard work} paid off with a precious bundle of joy. I ‘m anxious to see Benjamin’s reaction to his baby sister and see how we all mold together as a family of four instead of a family of three.

But even though I’m anxious to be done with the whole process, and anxious to have baby C in my arms, I don’t really  want things to speed up. These last few weeks are so crucial in development. With Benjamin, I went five days over my due date before being induced {and if I knew then what I know now, I would never have agreed to being induced even then, when there was no real medical necessity}. I know now how important it is to let the baby grow as long as possible. I don’t want her to be here earlier than necessary. I don’t want her to be out at 37 weeks, or 38 weeks. 39 weeks is already pushing it for my comfort levels, but for the health of me and the baby, it’s just necessary that they do the c-section at 39 weeks instead of possibly risking me going into labor on my own {fingers crossed that doesn’t happen!!}.

No, I don’t want her early… but it sure would be nice if time would cooperate with me and speed up just a tad, instead of this ‘slowing down’ business. Although everything slowing down has allowed me to spend more time with my Benjamin… something I wouldn’t trade for the world because he won’t be little for too much longer, and soon there will be another little person here fighting for attention.

I’m thankful to God for these precious two weeks before the baby comes… for this time to be able to slow down a bit and spend time with my little boy. I wouldn’t trade these sweet moments for the world.

 

a glimpse into the nursery.

I think I mentioned last week that I would try to get some good pictures of Bitty Girl’s room to share with you all. I know a lot of you have already seen some pictures up on Facebook of the room, but a lot of you also don’t have Facebook or maybe just haven’t seen it. Anyway, here are a few pictures. Take a gander:

 
the dresser is by far my favorite aspect of the room.

 
obviously we need a mattress still. the afghan was mine as a baby. also, there’s no real theme to the room, besides “stuff I don’t hate”, but a few little birdies found their way inside.

 
just one of the corners beside her crib

 
some bunnies found their way in, too.

 

a lot of the things in her room used to belong to me, or others. the red rocker {infamous for benjamin’s monthly pictures} was mine as a child. the fox in the 2nd picture was my mom’s, which she gave to me. the blue hat was benjamin’s. and the little dress was mine.

{the tray that the fox and hat are on is a baking sheet that I painted, by the way…}

Anyway, it’s really not a huge space and I wanted to keep it sort of simple. My Mother-in-Law sewed the curtains and the crib skirt for us. Most of the other things, I did by hand or had help doing {such as the dresser – Dad insisted on painting the drawers for me}. We honestly haven’t spent a lot of money on decorating her room, which is my favorite part of all, ha!

So, there you have it. A small glimpse into Bitty Girl’s room. Now we just need Bitty Girl…

almost there…

Insomnia continues to rear its ugly head and here I am at 3:20am, 36 weeks pregnant, wishing that there was some way to knock me out. I know there are plenty more things I can try to get better rest, but good grief! I’m wore out from trying all the different remedies! I’ve got Unisom and Melatonin on my bedside table. Carl has given me calf massages. I’ve showered before bed. I’ve had sleepytime tea. I’ve nested till I could nest no more. Ah, my restless legs insist on being restless.

Alas, that’s just the way things sometimes go with pregnancy, I guess. I’m too tired to be too upset right now {I’ll save that for tomorrow}.

Anyway, 36 weeks pregnant with 3 weeks until the scheduled c-section. I’m starting to become nervous, but at the same time I’m really anticipating the end and I am confident that my doctor will do a  great job and my God will take care of me and the baby every step of the way. I can’t wait to see Benjamin’s face when he sees his new sister for the first time. Hopefully we’ll get that captured to share with everyone else.

We’ve been knocking off a few more things from our to-do list. If I can remember tomorrow, I’m going to order the prefolds we need for our diapers, and part of Benjamin’s Big Brother gift from his sister. I washed and folded the diapers that we do have today and put them away in her dresser… it’s all coming together and it all feels more and more real each time I look in that room. I know she won’t be spending a lot of time in there at first, besides changes, but pretty soon that room is going to be ready for a baby. Wow.

So, the baby name game! I’ve been really enjoying all your guesses! Keep them coming. Here’s the list with a new one marked off:

Charlotte
Carleigh
Camryn
Carla
Camilla
Chloe
Cora
Clara
Caitlin
Charity
Clementine

Charity is out – and now only 3 names remain. Charlotte, Clara, or Clementine?? Holy smokes, I can’t believe we are down to 3 names. After the next one is marked off, we will be taking a week off from the game so that we can announce at the hospital after the baby is born.

Here’s another bump photo from this week… I can’t believe she’s still supposed to get bigger in the next 3 weeks. You’d think she’d be running out of room but this girl moves like she’s got all the room in the world!

And, in case you’re wondering, I’ve gained 18lbs so far! It looks like I’ll be hitting right around my goal weight, which is 25lbs. Yay me!

getting closer.

Weekends are a lot longer now that we are going to the doctor every week. I’m 35 weeks {okay and 2 days} now, and that means just a little over three weeks before we welcome bitty girl into the world. Not a whole lot has changed between last week and this week, except for becoming increasingly tired and sore and uncomfortable. Insomnia is kicking my booty, not to mention restless leg syndrome. I’m hoping the RLS disappears after she is here and maybe I’ll be so exhausted from taking care of a newborn and night feedings that I’ll be able to sleep some… which is funny to say because most people lose more sleep after the baby is here, but I doubt I’ll be up till four in the morning just because I can’t convince my legs that they aren’t running a marathon and they don’t have to attempt to trip each other up.

I got an email from a pregnancy app on my phone saying that the baby was running out of room and thus wouldn’t be moving quite as much as before… that’s laughable. The way she’s going, I wouldn’t be surprised if she climbed her way out during the c-section.

Anyway! I know some of you are interested in the name game, so here we go…

Charlotte
Carleigh
Camryn
Carla
Camilla
Chloe
Cora
Clara
Caitlin
Charity
Clementine

I seriously love the name Caitlin, but that’s not it, either. Can you believe we are down to four names now? I can’t. In a few more days, I’ll be marking off another name and we’ll be down to three… blah I have so much to do!

Next doctor’s appointment is Thursday… it shouldn’t be too eventful unless we can think of more questions to ask her. I got some c-section protocol questions answered this past Friday. We’re getting closer and yeah, I guess I’m getting nervous, but honestly I’ve been so miserable lately that I don’t think I have ever looked forward to such a major medical procedure more in my life. Abdominal surgery isn’t “no big deal”. But I am eager to get this over with and hold my daughter.

Oh, and just for fun, let’s check out my to-do list…

#1 buy crib mattress
#2 buy changing table pad & cover
#3 finish wall décor
#4 sand/strip side table
#5 paint side table {white or turquoise??}
#6 paint dresser drawers {once mom & dad bring the dresser – jan 18}
#7 make cloth wipes
#8 make girly headbands
#9 buy letters for baby’s room, wrap in yarn
#10 buy more prefolds
#11 buy nursing tops/dresses
#12 deep clean house
#13 figure out cloth wipe solution
#14 make baby legs
#15 wash & put away baby clothes
#16 secure furniture to walls
#17 haircuts {I’ll need one this month and one in March}- {1/2}
#18 freezer meals? decided that we won’t need this since Mom will be here for a while.
#19 make a breastfeeding basket for bedside table, including snacks and waters, kindle, phone, etc
#20 put together MY bag for the hospital {1/2 done}
#21 put together CARL’s bag for hospital
#22 put together BABY’s bag for hospital {1/2 done}
#23 make hotel arrangements for the night of the 21st
#24 help mom & dad make hotel arrangements for the night of the 21st
#25 put together a “Big Brother” kit for Benjamin for duration of hospital stay as a gift from the baby {mom & dad will be keeping him at our house} – we at least know what we’re getting him
#26 let Benjamin choose a gift for his sister {I believe he wants to get her a Violet toy}
#27 “Big Brother” t-shirt for Benjamin to wear to meet his sister
#28 turn in pre-admission forms
#29 write down c-section birth plan & discuss with doctor Not going to write a birth plan because she said it’s just better to communicate, and also she’s done a great job with answering questions.

Eh, not doing too bad I guess. Some of the stuff really will be last-minute. It’s all good. I’m not worried about it all. I’m too distracted with my aching everything.

conflicted.

We have five weeks to go until we meet our baby girl. I know I already talked about that in my last pregnancy update, but it’s something I can’t get out of my head. In five weeks, we will have a baby girl to take care of, to cuddle, to raise, to teach and love. I have conflicting emotions right now of trepidation and of excitement and anxiety and even relief to know that it will all be over soon.

If I were to be honest with myself, and for the longest time I haven’t been, I would have to say that this pregnancy has really shaped a negative opinion about it all – pregnancy, I mean. Although pregnancy is one of the most mind-baffling experiences {seriously, there is a human in there… a HUMAN!… and I helped make her!!}, with one of the most beautiful and precious blessings as the outcome, I still can’t say that I fall under the category of women who say that they love being pregnant and will miss it when it’s over.

To be quite frank, I won’t miss being pregnant. I know that there are millions of women who would love to be in my shoes and feel the things that I am feeling. I in no way wish to come off as saying that they should be grateful that they don’t feel these things – because I am heartbroken for them, deeply and truly heartbroken. I don’t know what it’s like to feel that way.

But I do know how I feel and right now I’m being honest with myself. I don’t want to pretend like everything is sunshine and rainbows and like these past seven months have been the best of my life, or even close to it. Because they haven’t. And I’m not even factoring in the medical bills from the hospital stays for Benjamin, or all the car troubles, or family drama. I mean this pregnancy.

I wish that today was March 21 and tomorrow I would be holding my baby girl. I wish that this would be over tomorrow and then all of the bad things would just be ancient history. Because of the different things I’ve gone through and had to endure {and I know that my problems aren’t as bad as the problems of others… I’ve never experienced loss, or Gestational Diabetes, or Pre-Eclampsia, or had to be hospitalized because of different, horrible symptoms. I know that it could be worse. I am thankful to God that it hasn’t been worse.}, I just want all of this to be over.

What it’s become to me is a means to an end. Spending three months bent over a toilet, puking up anything that is able to get past my teeth… and sometimes even when nothing has passed my teeth, and then many more months struggling with depression triggered by my PTSD… feeling useless and sore… exhausted, emotional… vulvar varicosities, circulation problems, severe pelvic pain, my ribs being battered, insomnia, restless leg syndrome, lack of bonding, etc etc etc…. {I know I complain too much.} These past seven months haven’t been very kind to me – but I’ve been blessed to know that through all of this my daughter has been growing and healthy. No matter the mental or physical pain I have been through, she is okay and that’s what matters.

But I’m so ready for this to be over because who knows what new symptom may pop up in the next five weeks?

At the same time, I’m conflicted.

I’m conflicted because I know that this could be my last pregnancy. I’ve already said that I don’t want to go through this again, but who knows what the future holds? But still… my sentiments right now are that I won’t be pregnant again, and while it’s a relief that all this is coming to an end… I feel almost sad to think I may not hold a precious baby in my tummy again. Because it really is phenomenal when you think about it… growing another person. I feel sad that I couldn’t enjoy it more, but it was basically out of my control. Dealing with a mental disorder during all of this made that impossible.

I’m conflicted because I have enjoyed watching Benjamin become excited and grow into his new role of big brother, even before the baby is even here. I feel sad that I may not get to watch this with baby C when she gets older.

I’m conflicted because although this has taken a toll on me mentally with the PTSD and depression and anxiety… if I hadn’t gotten pregnant, and if I hadn’t had to endure all of this, I may not have come to realize that I had a problem mentally. A serious problem. My marriage could still have been slowly slipping through my fingers. The healing I have been going through has brought me closer to my husband. I don’t know if he feels the same way, but I feel closer to him than ever before because going through everything has “forced” me to rely on him more and more in ways I should have relied on him to begin with. So in a way, I am grateful for all these months of “torture” {drama, much?} to help me grow closer to my husband.

So… I dunno. Do I enjoy pregnancy? No. I don’t. Sorry. Am I going to miss it when it’s all over? I doubt it. I mean, something much more amazing takes the place of the pregnancy anyway – I get to share this blessing with my husband and my son and I get to share the blessings of them with her. But does all that mean that in the end, I don’t feel a little sad that it’s all winding down? Perhaps in very different ways than most women feel, I do feel a little sad.

But… I’m ready for the next chapter. SO ready.

And at the same time … so not ready.

So, I’m conflicted. And I guess it’s okay to feel conflicted.

another week bites the dust.

34 weeks and still counting down the days! I can’t believe that we are five weeks away from meeting our baby girl. Five weeks can seem like a long time but really with the way things have been going lately, it’s not a long time at all. Which is kind of overwhelming because I feel like I still have a lot to do.

I don’t even want to look at my to-do list, though!

Today’s doctor visit went very well, and we are now to the point where we will be making weekly visits. My weight is “awesome” as my doctor said, and she also told me I was going to be “so skinny” after delivery. Um, yay! It will be so nice to not carry around a lot of extra weight like I did after Benjamin.

As for symptoms, I’ve been having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions lately, and for this reason I’ll be retiring my pre-pregnancy jeans. Although they still fit even comfortably, whenever I do have a contraction they are just a little too tight. Good thing is I bought the most comfortable pair of “athletic pants” {ha, because I am so athletic…} today from Dirt Cheap and I’m pretty sure I’m going to be living in these for a while.

I’m also experiencing the lovely third trimester insomnia, and maybe even a touch of restless legs syndrome, so for the last two nights I’ve hardly gotten any sleep. I am so thankful for a husband who lets me nap during the day.

Anyway, I know you are all waiting for this… so I won’t keep you waiting any longer!

Charlotte
Carleigh
Camryn
Carla
Camilla
Chloe
Cora
Clara
Caitlin
Charity
Clementine

Not Camryn! And yes, I used the trendy spelling on purpose, ha! But there you go – five names remaining… and I apologize – I seriously don’t remember who all guessed which names, except for Kimberley’s {Charity, right?}, because my brain is all mush lately.

Hopefully this week, I will remember to take some pictures of the nursery to share with everyone who hasn’t seen already.

You know, if I’m not sleeping…

six{ish} more weeks.

Another week down, and six more to go {well, less than, as I missed a couple days}. And let me tell you, I am more than ready for this to be over. I won’t go into detail, but another lovely {read: so-not-lovely} symptom has come up to solidify my “so over this” statement yet again. One that I’m pretty sure won’t go away until after the baby is out. I hate to say that I think I won’t be able to attend Sunday morning bible study anymore for a while because of it- because I really cannot sit for two hours like that. I actually have to lay down a lot during the day. So, Carl is going to have to come pick me up between study and services. Sadface!

My little karate baby never fails to keep me wondering what in the world she is up to in there! Whatever it is, I think she’s having a lot of fun. She is a mover and a shaker and she cracks me up because she gets to dancing around pretty much any time she hears music, or hears her daddy talking. Mhmm, daddy’s girl already. She’s likely to be a handful with all this energy she has, but I can already tell she’s going to be a lot of fun. I just can’t wait till she gets here, not only because I’m not crazy about pregnancy, but because I just can’t wait to see what she looks like and what kind of personality she has. It’s like a super cute, super fun mystery!

Speaking of mystery… and fun! Here are our names…

Charlotte
Carleigh
Camryn
Carla
Camilla
Chloe
Cora
Clara
Caitlin
Charity
Clementine

Chloe is not the name, although it is really popular right now and it was actually one of the names we thought about back when we were expecting Benjamin, before we knew he was a, well, he.

So, keep on guessing if you guessed Chloe! And check back in at the end of the week… or beginning of next, depending on when I get around to posting again!

knock off another week.

I know that this is a few days late, but we had a busy weekend with a doctor’s appointment and spending the day with friends and things like that. Needless to say, I’m pretty tired and wish I could just curl up in bed for the next few days until things get busy once more. Alas, life goes on, laundry piles up, and there is water to drink!

I didn’t have an “official” bump photo this past week, again because we were so busy, but I did take a couple toward the middle of the week and I really haven’t grown much since, so these will have to do. Actually, at my appointment, I measured the same as I had two weeks before. The doctor said that was pretty normal and she probably had a growth spurt right before the other appointment and that was why things were slowing down. It makes sense, because I’d been having a lot more stretching discomforts around then and seemed to “pop” a little more.

Although, I know a lot of you saw on my Facebook, I am still able to fit in my pre-pregnancy jeans and I’m not only excited about that but really stunned. You ask me how I am able to do this? Well the first three months were spent throwing up almost non-stop. Then I suffered from depression and didn’t want to eat. And once my appetite came back I only wanted to eat celery and yogurt. I feel like after all I’ve been through with this pregnancy, I sort of deserve to feel a little bit good about myself with my pre-pregnancy jeans… especially considering I gained like 40lbs with Benjamin and never came close to fitting in my pre-pregnancy clothes afterward.

Anyway, for those of you playing the name game, here we go again… we have 7 weeks to go {eh, less than, since this is a little late}…

Charlotte
Carleigh
Camryn
Carla
Camilla
Chloe
Cora
Clara
Caitlin
Charity
Clementine

Although I love the name Camilla, that is not the one we’re going with! So keep your guesses coming in!

If you all could, please continue to pray for me with my PTSD. I have never thought that medicine would be my “answer”, and it isn’t, so I have a few down days here and there that have been difficult to deal with. It’s getting better, but I still have them and they get me feeling discouraged. And again to anyone I come into contact with on an off-day, I really am sorry! I’m still figuring this out! Please be patient with me!

Thank you, friends!

31 weeks & rolling on…

Nothing new really has gone on this week to speak of. We have 8 weeks to go and it’s really, really starting to weigh in that it’s less than 2 months really. March 22 is just around the corner and then we’ll have a little baby to take care of… I’ve been having dreams of a sweet little baby girl with brown hair.

We have a few more things to buy for the baby but for the most part, we’re good. It feels really good to not have a whole lot left to do when you don’t have a whole lot of time left to do it in anyway. Of course, I’m sure I’ll still get the panic when we hit sprinting point, but we’ll see when we get there.

My medication continues to help. My only complaints now have to do with being super sore (i.e. not being able to walk or stand long periods of time… or being able to move at all without pain) and finally not fitting into my clothes. I’m thankful for friends who were recently pregnant to loan me some shirts that will cover my belly! I can make it 8 more weeks, I think, without having to purchase anything new! That’s one thing I can’t stand… having to buy clothes that you only wear for a short amount of time! I’ve been real fortunate to not have to worry about outgrowing my clothes until recently where I’ve popped out once more.

And once more with the name game…

Charlotte
Carleigh
Camryn
Carla
Camilla
Chloe
Cora
Clara
Caitlin
Charity
Clementine

It’s not Carleigh, or any other variation of spelling! So, Carleigh, Carla, and Cora are marked off… any more guesses, my friends? I love to hear your guesses! They make me giggle. Please do let us know if you have a guess!

And a little off topic… but tonight for the first time ever my house got rolled! First we got this picture tagged of us on Facebook:

With the caption “You’re next!” and I had been totally oblivious to the fact that anyone else had been rolled because I was in here getting ready to blog, and I was also playing handheld Yahtzee… anyway, we went out and lo and behold, our house was being rolled!

I feel so special! Thanks, friends!!

baby to-do

Okay so 11 weeks left in this pregnancy and there are still a few {or more than a few} things that need to be done around here to prepare for baby C’s arrival. The good thing about this being the 2nd baby is the fact that we have an idea of what we really won’t need, and what we really will need. We had a lot of baby stuff with Benjamin that we ended up not really using… like our Bumbo and extra things like that.

Another good thing about 2nd babies is that we have *some* stuff still from when Ben was a baby. However, when we moved from where we lived in GA, we had to get rid of a lot of stuff due to having to put everything in storage. But! We kept things like the carseat & base, bouncy seat, and of course cloth diapers… which actually cuts down on a lot of stuff that would have been expensive otherwise!

So anyway, I need to make a list for myself … so that’s what I’m gonna do, and I’m going to tick them off once I complete my tasks.

#1 buy crib mattress
#2 buy changing table pad & cover
#3 finish wall décor
#4 sand/strip side table
#5 paint side table {white or turquoise??}
#6 paint dresser drawers {once mom & dad bring the dresser – jan 18}
#7 make cloth wipes
#8 make girly headbands
#9 buy letters for baby’s room, wrap in yarn
#10 buy more prefolds
#11 buy nursing tops/dresses
#12 deep clean house
#13 figure out cloth wipe solution
#14 make baby legs
#15 wash & put away baby clothes
#16 secure furniture to walls
#17 haircuts {I’ll need one this month and one in March}
#18 freezer meals?
#19 make a breastfeeding basket for bedside table, including snacks and waters, kindle, phone, etc
#20 put together MY bag for the hospital
#21 put together CARL’s bag for hospital
#22 put together BABY’s bag for hospital
#23 make hotel arrangements for the night of the 21st
#24 help mom & dad make hotel arrangements for the night of the 21st
#25 put together a “Big Brother” kit for Benjamin for duration of hospital stay as a gift from the baby {mom & dad will be keeping him at our house}
#26 let Benjamin make a Build-A-Bear for the baby online
#27 “Big Brother” t-shirt for Benjamin to wear to meet his sister
#28 turn in pre-admission forms
#29 write down c-section birth plan & discuss with doctor

So, it’s kind of lengthy… but it is crunch time and things need to get done pronto! Or close to pronto! So... who wants to help?? Ha!

Can’t wait to meet you, baby C!

In The Homestretch!

Oh, hey.

Yeah, I know… it’s been forever since I’ve updated this thing. Almost a month. I know. I’m awful! But the month was December and we all know holidays are the worst for throwing extra stuff in… and throw on top of that, like, everything… you know how it is. So I’m assuming you forgive me. You can’t hate a pregnant gal too long, right?

Guess what? Today is a big day because… we are officially in the third trimester! Yes! The home stretch! The last mile! But also guess what? I’m not even doing the full 12 weeks of the last trimester because I’m having my c-section at 39 weeks {I may end up blogging about why later, because I’m sure there are a lot of people who have questions about that… but right now, let’s just say it is necessary}, so 11 weeks it is!

Woah.

11 weeks.

Anyway, it’s been a while since I’ve shown you how big baby C and I are getting {lol}, so here’s the latest bump photo, taken this evening by my wonderful husband…

Ignore the fact that my lips are absolutely chapped and my hair is yucky because I did absolutely nothing to it… I’ve been suffering from sinus issues all week, after spending the weekend worried about Benjamin {as a lot of you know, he spent yet another weekend in the hospital, this time with pneumonia}. Cut me some slack! {And yes, those are jammie pants. Not funky hippie pants.}

Anyhow, there’s the 28 week bump for ya. I am gaining weight, that bump ain’t going anywhere, and we are healthy! It’d be awesome if she’d stop kicking me in the ribs though… ouch. She’s seriously a lot more wild than Benjamin ever was so I’m kinda thinking she’s going to give us a run for our money. She likes to simultaneously kick the bladder and the ribs, and it’s so awesome. And by awesome I mean ridiculously uncomfortable.

Sooooo…. I’m going to skip the little survey thing I’ve been doing since I’ve missed a few weeks and because I have something else special for this trimester. Since we have 11 weeks left, why not play a little game? Most know that the name is a secret that we won’t reveal until the baby is here, although it definitely is set in stone because I’ve already monogrammed something HA! Anyway, that doesn’t keep most people from making guesses – the wilder, the better – and so now is your chance to see a list of names that it could POSSIBLY be. We have been calling the baby “Baby C”, so of course all these names will be C names, and only one of them is correct.

You can guess out loud or you can keep it to yourself, I don’t really care. Certain people need to zip it, though… Carl…

;)

Each week, we will be ticking off one name, until we are finally left with just two and then I’m sure everyone will see the announcement probably on facebook one way or the other. We thought it could be a really fun game to play… so here we go!

• Charlotte
• Carleigh
• Camryn
• Carla
• Camilla
• Chloe
• Cora
• Clara
• Caitlin
• Charity
• Clementine

And, FYI, her first name is not a family name, nor is she named after anyone specific… the name we chose is one that we just really loved and can’t see naming her anything else!

Next week, there will be 10 names, and so forth. I’m not going to confirm nor deny any name so don’t even try it!

And that, my friends, is all I can think of writing right now. I’ll try and do this more throughout the week but you know how things are when you’re 6 months pregnant and your bed is oh so cozy and you’ve got those amazing eclipse curtain that trick you into thinking you live in Alaska and the sun just isn’t up, and your pillow is just one puffy cottony cloud of bliss… yeeeaaahhhh…

I’ll do my best. Or at least aim in the right direction. And either way you’re still going to love me, right? <3

Nursery Plans…

Decorating is something that I find somewhat of a daunting task when it comes to building up a whole room. When I began to think about how we were going to do this baby’s room, the first thing I decided right off the bat was that I didn’t want a “theme”. Certainly it would have been “easier” to go and buy a crib set and then all the other things that came in the collection, but that gets pricey. I wanted to build it around colors that I liked and add in things from there.

Of course, pinterest was the first place I started looking. Even that gets overwhelming at best. Another thing I knew was that I wanted to do most of it by hand, as much as possible, without breaking the bank. Of course, spending money on fabric for window treatments and a crib skirt seemed much, but when you think that most crib sets cost close to or more than $100… or just crib skirts alone that are not cheap-looking cost around $20-$35, and drapes can be like $20 per panel… doing it by hand and spending $40 on fabric isn’t as bad as all that.

{I’m reassuring myself, here…}

So initially, I went into Hobby Lobby looking for aqua, orange, and coral. But would you know that the designers couldn’t read my mind in advance? Thanks guys. ;) Well, the one print I had found on the internet that I liked was there, and once I had that, we began to build the rest of the scheme around it.

Here’s what we ended up with:

The aqua-colored pattern was the one that I had gone in looking specifically for. Not a whole lot of the floral pattern is shown, but if you look hard enough, you can see the orange in there – it was important to bring in that orange. I didn’t want an overwhelming amount of pink – most who know me know that I’m not incredibly girly, so pink really isn’t what I wanted the main color to be.

The curtains will be made out of the floral pattern with a block of the aqua scroll pattern at the bottom. I will also {hopefully} have a pennant valance with the three patterns across the top.

Here’s the vision… laugh away, I am terribad at drawing!

Uh… hopefully it turns out a lot nicer than my drawing.

The “oriental” pattern {I think that’s what it was called} will be the main fabric for the crib skirt.

Anyway, that’s the plan as we know it… I know it’s terribly interesting. :) I will show you more as we get more done on the room!