Wednesday's Walk: The Good, the Bad, and the Baby!

Wednesday's Walk Down Memory Lane is a blogging opportunity for everyone to document and share a memory (or more than one). This is my first Wednesday's Walk, and I think it will be a great experience because I admittedly do not have a very good memory.

One event I don't really remember that well would be my son's first week of life. This was back in January.

Benjamin was due January 14th, but did not come. My doctor had me scheduled to be induced at 4AM on January 19th, a Monday (of all days - a Monday!). We went in, got registered, and at 5AM I was finally given pitocin. Everything was going really well. I went to sleep because I could barely feel contractions. Around 7, though, my Doctor came in and broke my water, and then I felt the contractions. Painful! I think I just about squeezed the life out of Carl's hand before I begged for an epidural. I received one (and recommend it for the wimps out there like me!!), and although it felt really weird when people moved my legs because... I couldn't feel it, it was nice.

We progressed slowly. Seriously. It finally got to the point that with every contraction, Benjamin's heart rate would go down dangerously, so my doctor and the nurses were concerned. Sometime around 8:00PM - 8:30PM, my doctor came in to tell me we would have to have a c-section but first she checked me - I was fully dilated and ready to push!

So that's what we did. For an hour and twenty minutes.

I remember the moment they put Benjamin on my tummy. I couldn't stop touching my baby boy! I remember worrying that I'd be grossed out by a freshly born baby, but no. I was instantly in love with this little baby. He was 7lbs, 15oz, 20 & 1/4 inches. And he was perfect.



They took him away and that's when things started going wrong. I didn't know it but I had a complete 4th tear. I was bleeding out. Everyone started getting really worried when I said, "I'm blacking out..." And it didn't take long for me to lose my vision. Carl was beside me, I could hear him, but I could not see him. I wanted to close my eyes and sleep but Carl begged me to keep my eyes open, even if I could not see. They struggled to find my blood pressure, even with the machine. They couldn't find where I was bleeding out from. I don't know what they were doing or how they were stopping the bleeding. I just know that after a while, I could see again. I could see Carl and I remember the expression on his face. I mumbled a lot of strange things, they said. I will never forget seeing Carl there, and how he looked, and how it felt. I was scared, but Carl was right there with me the whole time. I thought I was going to die, and Carl admitted later that he had thought the same thing.

After they stitched me up, I had 2 units of blood transfused the next morning.

But here's what's foggy. And hopefully writing it out will help uncover some of the memories that I have lost.



I don't remember spending a lot of time with Benjamin. My arms were too sore from having been poked and prodded so many times, so I could barely hold him. I had to lay flat for almost a whole day, so I couldn't even nurse my child. Occasionally Carl would lay him beside me and I'd spend time with him that way. They didn't even move me to a recovery room because they had to keep a watchful eye on me. So I had the pleasure of listening to women around me giving birth. I don't remember screaming like they did. And I asked the nurses and they said, "Yes, they had an epidural too!"





I never complained. Even the nurses noted it. They said other women in my condition would be screaming and whining, but I was easy. I was just blessed to be alive at that moment. I couldn't get up and move around for a while. They had these hockey-gear-looking mechanisms on my legs that massaged them to keep the blood flowing.



Finally, though, I was able to sit up. And eventually I was able to get up and move around - very, very slowly. I remember one night when Carl and my mom had left to take my mom back to our house and I had asked them to leave Benjamin in the room with me. I sat in a chair and Benjamin laid in his little bassinet and I just looked at him. But then he started crying and I couldn't get up to get him because I needed help. I had to call the nurses in 3 times that night before Carl got back, and then I lost it. I couldn't take care of my own son.



On the last day in the hospital (I stayed an extra day), I was able to get up and move around. We even walked the hall for a bit, pushing Benjamin in his bassinet. I was so happy when we got to leave. I couldn't wait to take my precious boy home! We had been through a lot and now I just wanted to be home with my family!



You know, it was a really tough delivery. It was a long recovery. It was emotional and stressful.

But...



I'd do it again in a heart beat.

Body After Baby

I've been thinking of joining in on this challenge from Mama Notes for a little while now, and I'm finally just going to suck it up and do it. I talk and talk about how changed my body is and how uncomfortable I feel in my own skin but so far I have done nothing about it. I want to be healthy, and I want to get back into the shape I was before getting pregnant and giving birth (back in January). Most of all I want to be able to look at myself and actually like what I see again. I don't think there is much I can do about the multitude of stretch marks - and when I say multitude, I mean just that. Multitude. But I can do my best to eat right and to get back in shape. I at least owe it to Benjamin, right? And I owe it to my husband, I think.

Right now I am weighing in at 118. I'm not bragging, I know that is less than a lot of folks, and right around where I should be anyway. It's 9 lbs more than I started out at. I don't really care about losing the weight. I want to feel better and look better and eat better. I need to drink more water. So I will up my water intake.

Phew. This will take some will power! Please encourage me and others working toward their goals as well!!

MckLinky Blog Hop: Favorite Photo

This week's MckLinky Blog Hop is Favorite Photograph!



This photo was taken of Benjamin while we were still in the hospital. I had a very difficult delivery, so I was unable to spend a lot of time with my son in his first week of life. I could barely hold him because my arms ached from being stuck so often having blood drawn and the IV's. Carl did what I wanted to and took pictures of our precious boy, and this was one of them. It was my favorite in the hospital and remains pretty far up there still!

Recaro Giveaway!

Ohkay everyone! Get ready for this giveaway! The Baby Bash is underway! Two of a Kind is giving away a RECARO carseat! It's really easy to enter, and I am sure all you mommies out there would love having something free! Go check it out! You know you want to! It's a Baby Bash! So keep your eye on that blog!!

Another Monday rears its ugly head.

You know it's Monday when all you want to do is bury your head into your pillow and cry.

Yes, it's one of those days again. And before we go any further I'd like to just say that I do not regret being a mother, ever. I love it. I love my son, all the time. I will never stop loving him, no matter what. I knew ahead of time that it wouldn't be easy, being a first-time mommy. I expected days like these. I just need to let off a little steam. Please, bear with me.

Like I said, one of those days again. I'm sure any mommy (or even daddy) knows exactly what sort of day I mean. The day where you are just so tired, your body aches, and the baby won't stop crying and won't nap - though he needs one bad. For the record, as I'm writing this, Benjamin is asleep. Otherwise, I doubt I'd be able to sit here very long at all to even type out a sentence. I think he knows it's Monday too, and he woke up dreading it just as much as I did. Who isn't cranky on a Monday?

Today was particularly bad. I don't know what it is lately, but my back has been killing me. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the heavy almost-6-month-old who loves for his mommy to carry him everywhere. I've been looking for a good baby carried that I can easily wear around the house without having to fuss with buckles and all that. I found one I liked on eBay, but we are having to wait till the check goes through the bank.

Benjamin just would not nap this morning. I was feeling particularly stressed out, a few tears rolling down my face, when Carl told me he'd lay down with Benjamin and let me take a shower. I just felt like escaping. Like I said in my previous post, I considered the window. I would never give up my job as a mommy, never, but sometimes I just ache for a little bit of time off. Just a little. I just want to treat myself sometimes. Every time I think about myself, though, I feel selfish. I think daily about all the nice cloth diapers I want [and need as well] to buy Benjamin, and then today I just realized I'm wearing my husband's basketball shorts and a t-shirt that I have had for 5+ years. And this isn't just today. This is my usual sort of attire about 4-5 days a week. My name has hit rock-bottom on the list of priorities.

And yet I tear up writing this because I feel so selfish.

It meant a lot to me yesterday when my dad told me the house looked a lot different than it did the last time they visited. He said he could tell I had worked hard, and I had. I also intend to work hard to keep it this way. That's the hard part. Organization is not my forte.

But, I'm trying. We're all some sort of work in progress, aren't we?

Anyway, I do feel better after getting this off my chest.

Not Me! Monday

I would never postpone helping my son back into the proper sitting position in his bouncy seat just long enough for me to grab my camera and snap a picture as he hung precariously over the edge, reaching for an alligator. That's dangerous! I wouldn't dream of such a thing!

Oh, and for the record, I would never forget to strap him into his bouncy seat so things like that wouldn't get dangerous.




I did not put my son's swim shorts on him over a poorly pinned flatfold just because I didn't have a diaper in the back with me and didn't want to run all the way to the laundry room. Just because the diaper he had been wearing was hanging off of him in the first place, and poop was running down his leg doesn't mean I can't wipe and retrieve. I'd never assume that was just as good as any malfunctioning diaper.

Lastly, I would never seriously consider climbing out the bathroom window while I am supposed to be showering, just because the baby had been so fussy all morning and I wanted to escape while I could.

Nope! Not me!

(Don't forget to visit MckMama's blog to join in the Monday fun!)

firecracker.

I hope everyone had a happy Fourth! We had a pretty great day ourselves! Family came over, friends came over, we played games and ate food and just enjoyed each other's company! No, we didn't see fireworks, and that disappointed me. But maybe next year. I meant to take pictures while we were all hanging out but it escaped me. So I took some pictures of Benjamin afterward in his Fourth of July outfit. I won't post all of the photos, but at the end I'll give you a few to glance at.

Today was not so happy for a couple reasons.

1. I totally did not feel well. Last week and this weekend just caught up with me, I guess. My throat was killing me and I was just exhausted all day long. I got up at 5 (not by choice) and then went to bed again at around 7-ish after a quick shower while Mom played with Benjamin. Woke up at 8:30 to get myself and Benjamin ready for church. He did pretty well during both services. He's getting better at sitting through and usually I don't have to nurse him. Today I did, but that's ohkay. There were tons of crickets hopping around, and I'm frightened of anything creepy-crawly or in this case creepy-hoppy. One touched my foot. I almost screamed. I didn't.

Anyway, I laid down after Mom and Dad and Grandma left and Carl watched Benjamin. It was really necessary and nice. I still don't feel 100%, but I feel better and not exhausted. We didn't go to Warner Robins like we usually do on Sunday nights but I guess once in a while you just have to take a step back.

2. Family is gone. Boo! I enjoy having company.

and worst of all...

3. Two years ago today my Papaw died of liver cancer. He had been told he had 6 months to live and he lived out a couple of those months. And in the next month, Carl and I were getting married. It was hard. Just a few days earlier he had been hiking with my uncle. And then suddenly... things just plummeted. I remember the last words I choked out to him as I knelt by his bed and held his hand, promising myself I'd say more when we returned the next day. An hour and a half later when I arrived to work and called my mom, I found out he had passed away.

I don't think I will ever "get over" this death. I think about Papaw often. I miss him terribly. He was a great, wonderful Christian man.


That was my day.



Picture time.


Happy Fourth! His onesie reads "Mommy's Little Firecracker" :)


Praying hands.


Four Generations


Family Photo


Sucking on a corncob.


He loved it


In his jammies.


Anyway, the internet is acting so slow that I can't upload all the photos I want! So you'll just have to be satisfied with that. I hope everyone has a good week!