Do you know what phrase literally makes me cringe when I hear it? “Boys will be boys”. I hear it a lot and to some degree I do agree with it. Boys will be boys and should be allowed to be boys – to a point. A lot of the time when I hear this phrase it’s in reference to the fact that Benjamin is prone to getting himself hurt on different occasions as he plays. Small bumps and bruises are natural for him because he plays in such a way that he collects them, little by little, over time. Now, I don’t want anyone to go away from this thinking that Benjamin jumps off of our roof or off of tables or swings from the chandelier. He doesn’t. But he does often run and fall and collects his bruises that way.
But there is a point where ‘boys being boys’ does make me cringe, and I hope I’m not labeled as a ‘bad’ or ‘overprotective’ parent because of it. I know there are a lot of times ‘boys being boys’ refers to the fact that boys will beat up on each other. I don’t think wrestling around is bad, just in a playful manner, but I do think there is a line… and that line should be identified and more importantly enforced.
I recently went to a visitation where a collection of boys were beating the daylights out of each other in their ‘game of tag’. I mean, not a pat to say tag that might have been more of a ‘slap’ than a pat. They were literally beating each other. I was mortified. How could children think that that sort of behavior is acceptable in any situation, but especially at a funeral home? I stepped in and told them that they needed to stop (because their parents were not attending to them), because they were doing this in front of Benjamin and I did not want him going away from that thinking that it was an acceptable way to play with one another.
Boys can be boys … but any boy of mine must be respectful of those around him. I don’t want Benjamin to be a bully, I want him to be a gentleman, even now when he is two years old. I don’t want him to think that pushing and hitting are forms of play.
Is that overprotective of me? I’m asking this seriously. I have been told plenty of times that I can’t shelter Benjamin forever, and I certainly don’t want to be a helicopter mom, but Benjamin’s behavior at this point is my responsibility. It is going to shape much of his behavior later in life and I just don’t want to mess up early and have to fix mistakes later on.
I am honestly posting this for YOUR input. Please, mothers of boys or even mothers of girls, if you have any advice for me or input, please give it to me. I think daily about my responsibility as a parent and it so often overwhelms me and humbles me.
One day he’s going to leave my house,
and I just want him to go away faithful,
and I want him to respect and love others.
To my dearest love on Earth,
ReplyDeleteThere are a few times where you and I disagree and I consider you to be a bit overprotective. It isn't really bad, you're just being a mother and I understand that. I don't think you're being overprotective though in wanting there to be a line between fun rough housing and more violent acts.
As a mum of four boys I have to say I totally agree with you on this. Yes, I do believe that boys should be boys, and my boys enjoy to wrestle now and again, to charge around the garden, to climb trees, look for bugs etc etc.
ReplyDeleteI also think it's important for them to know where there are boundaries. While I might find it acceptable for them to play a wrestling form of tag in the back garden, it is not OK to try this out in a public place (like the supermarket!) Too often I see people claiming that their 'boys will be boys' as an excuse for what I would call bad behaviour.
I suppose I could go on and on about this. Basically what I'm saying is, I want my boys to know where and when different behaviours are appropriate. I want them to know it's OK to be a little crazy running around at home/in the garden/wide open spaces but in public places/around others then things need to be tempered.
My husband also thinks I can be overprotective of my boys, and I have learned to chill a little over the last 11 years. I believe that is why God instituted the family of mums AND dads. The mum to be softer and a bit more cautious and the dad to make sure it's not making the boys too soft and cautious!
You put it exactly how I was meaning to put it!! I am so glad you said that, because that is exactly how I feel. Thanks so much! You're totally right - there is a reason why mothers and fathers are so different and God knew what He was doing when He created the family.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for your input!!
I think there definitely has to be a line! My brothers were so rough. Jumping off couches onto my back, kicking each other so much that one had to have a surgery to correct a problem caused by it, shooting each other with a bb gun pretending they were hunting, I even got my hand hit with a bat one time. (I should say all this was when we were unsupervised while our parents were at work after they divorced.) All this unnecessary HURTING each other usually led to full on fights where someone always got injured. I think it definitely affected the way they treated my parents and others. When you feel like it's ok to be crazy physical with people you don't feel like you have to respect them or their space. Keep it up! :)
ReplyDeleteI know Brody is only 5.5 months old. But I've thought about the whole wrestling thing too. Our group of friends here have 6 boys between them. NO GIRLS! So there is lots of wrestling. I know boys will wrestle, and Kyle usually joins right in, but I usually do not want to participate and they think I do anyway. They are anywhere between the ages of 2-5. One day, I was talking to Kyle about this and I said I wanted Brody to ask people if they wanted to wrestle before just jumping on them and hitting them. Kyle jokingly thought that was an idea that would never happen. But, I would like to try it anyway! :) I'm ok with Brody wrestling with people if he asks first and also if he stops when the other person does not want to wrestle anymore. And definitely NOT in a public place like at a store, funeral home, or on the pulpit at church!
ReplyDeleteI think that behavior is unacceptable. I would never let Kyndra behave like that.
ReplyDeleteHey Kristen! I haven’t heard from you in a while and have missed you and I am catching up on your posts! Ok, this was a good post to me. With some moms they can get offended and almost “catty” over this situation. I think this is something that is subjective and relative. On somethings "boys will be boys" like playing with trains and girls with dolls. To an extent boys really do play harder and are on the rough side. Sometimes I have noticed that we as parents may not pick up on things our children do because parents don’t see it as a problem or it’s not outside of their normal behavior, almost as if they don’t see how it could be offensive or uncomfortable for someone else. AND then there are some parents who simply don’t care that their child may be doing something offensive or inappropriate. I personally believe at NO time is it ok for kids to be playing so rough with each other, boys or girls.
ReplyDeleteWe have been doing a study where some of this could come in to play. It started off as a young parents class but the subject matter has spilled over into almost the entire congregation. The part I am referring to is how we as the church can sometimes fall into the trap of being worldly. We listen to the same music, watch the same tv shows, do the same activities, dancing, use the same language…whatever…and expect our children to be different, set apart, obvious to the world they are Christians. But its spilled into our spiritual life and as a result we are raising kids that cannot and do not know the difference, that they are different, they are for Christ. For example, people have said to me “you are being over protective and you can’t shelter your kids from the world”. Well I am the parent. No one can love my children more than me except the Lord. That being said it is my DUTY to protect them from things that are spiritually harmful to them whether it be now or become ingrained into their character. It’s about teaching character. In today’s world is it so hard to believe that it might be a good thing to protect and shelter your children from the world? I want to teach my children to BE Christians in the world but to not be OF the world……sorry for long comment…got on soapbox…sorry…..you are doing an awesome job for Benjamin!!! Don’t forget that!!!
Kristen, you are right on target in your desires for Benjamin. Teaching our children - boys and girls - rules of civility, is not being over protective, it is being a responsible parent. Yes, boys are often a little more rough and tumble, and many times they like to get dirty. That's okay..but we MUST teach them to be respectful...respectful of authority, respectful of the opposite sex, respectful of people's bodies, etc. Here is the link to an article I wrote, which in a series: http://alifeofjoy.blogspot.com/2010/11/principles-for-successful-motherhood_08.html . It touches on some of your questions. I appreciate that you take your job as a parent seriously...you are an encouragement to me! <3
ReplyDeleteKristen,
ReplyDeleteI have been the parent of a boy for 10 years come this August, and I totally get what you are saying. I agree that children need a time to be children (Carley is just as rough as Jacob), but children also need to learn how to act in a respectful way. We have a whole slew of pre-teen boys at church that sometimes makes my skin crawl with their behavior, to the point that Jacob's playtime with them is very limited. I am a VERY strict mom and I expect my children to act like they have "had some raising" (a quote that gets stated a lot in my household). It is this free style, I want to be a friend not an enemy, parenting style that has caused most of the problems with society today. Me and Brad both look at parenting with the same view. God entrusted us with this perfect, tiny baby and he has given us the responsibility of returning that child to him one day. So many parents lose sight of their real goal as a parent, to get that child to Heaven. Keep up the good work that you and Carl are doing and never lose sight of that goal!
Yes, boys will be boys. But when it comes to socially acceptable behavior, it's different. Both boys and girls should have a respectable behavior, towards themselves and towards others.
ReplyDeleteI worked as a teacher, so naturally anytime I see bad behaving kids, or kids that play too hard, kids that are noisy at church, I remind them gently, or sternly, as I also compliment them.
I don't care what other people think if I do that.
All I care is that I'm teaching them proper behaviors.
Sometimes kids know they're doing something wrong and yet they do it anyway, to get attention, or they might not know that they're doing something wrong. Either way we have a responsibility to teach what's right. Especially if they're doing it in front of our eyes with no adults caring. We should care. I wouldn't want my son to copy them either.