some struggles lately

I am pretty sure most of you would probably agree with this: before you're married and you're single, people will always ask you when you're going to have a 'boyfriend', and then when you're a little older, the question is 'when are you going to get married?'. When that day finally comes, the immediate question from there on out is 'when are you going to have a baby?' until you finally have a baby, and then the question is 'when are you going to have another'... and I'm sure once you've had 'enough', the question will probably be 'when are you going to stop' (or something else along the lines of 'you know what causes that, don't you?')

Right now, we're at the stage where people ask us quite frequently when we're going to have another baby. I never realized the weight that this question (and probably the one that precedes it) can put on someone until I had to start answering people, "Well, hopefully sometime soon", and then secretly feel in the back of my mind a little sad because ... well, it's not happening right this instant, and the fact is I wish it were.


I mentioned "jokingly" a few posts back that we hoped this year we'd have a 'bun in the oven' at some point. It's true, though. No joke. In fact, we entered the "trying to conceive" (TTC from here on out) group back in November and have thus far had no luck in that area. And I semi-joked about it back in that post but it truly is no joke for me. I never realized how frustrating it can be to be TTC, because with Benjamin we really weren't actively trying.

Now that we are TTC, it's just unbelievably frustrating and I know that it's only been a few months so far but it's just been discouraging so far. I know that there's always 'next month' to try again, but the thing is... all I have wanted for like the past two years is to add another baby into the mix and we just haven't been able, between instability in job/money/housing, or insurance... and now that we are able to, and aren't...

Do you get what I'm saying? I'm being honest here and to be frank, I don't like feeling this vulnerable, sharing what I've been struggling with lately. I'm not stressed about it - it's just that when it turns out that once again we're not, I just feel so sad, so discouraged, and lost - like why not? Why not this month? I know I'm not the only one.

What makes it infinitely harder is when everyone around you is announcing their pregnancies, or have been pregnant for a while, and you're so happy for them but at the same time you can't help but feel a little jealousy. Ugh, I hate feeling that way. And then you feel guilty for feeling that way because you know that you shouldn't.

I'm getting better in that regard. I am genuinely happy for all my friends who are pregnant and I can't wait to see the precious babies that they bring into this world.

At the same time, I wish I could join the number, but I keep telling myself that it's all in God's good time. If He chooses to bless us, He will do it in perfect timing - because my timing is not His timing. And maybe the difference between Benjamin and this time when we are TTC is that last time we just put it completely in God's hands. And now I'm too focused on the 'science' of it all.

Anyway, I just say all of this to ask you for your prayers. Please pray that God does bless us and until that time, that I can be patient and wait on Him and do what I'm supposed to do, and to not be discouraged.

Have any of you experienced this? I know some of you have. What helped you get through?