buckling.

I am so stressed out.

For a while I thought I was doing pretty well with my stress. My antidepressants have helped me keep a rational head on most of the time. I haven’t had nearly as many meltdowns as I thought I perhaps would. I haven’t been freaking out about my c-section and have actually been looking forward to it – not because I don’t think it’s a big deal but because I know it will be so much better for me physically and mentally than trying a normal birth again. I’ve been trying to have a good attitude about my eye problem that just popped up out of nowhere. I’ve done my very best to take all our car issues that we’ve had in the past few months in stride, as well as Benjamin’s new asthma diagnosis. I have been trying really hard to just trust in God to take care of us no matter what. I’ve leaned on Him and on our wonderful friends here and on my amazing husband and my loving family back in Georgia so much that I know if I tried to stop, I’d probably fall flat on my face. And I guess that isn’t a bad thing.

But I’ve gotten to the point where I just feel like there is too much going on right now. How much more of this can I handle? How much more will I be expected to handle? How am I supposed to be able to get through all of this, and care for a newborn, and recover from a c-section? What happens if my eye issue is a lot worse than we thought it was, or what if something goes wrong with the c-section, or what if something is wrong with baby C…

What if, what if, what if???

I know that a lot of my fears are unfounded. I know that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I struggle with high anxiety. I know I worry myself too much about little things or things that really have no reason to be worried over in the first place. I know that I have an amazing support system and God is heading it up.

I’m trying to adjust my sails in these storms. I’ve certainly not perfected this, but I’m trying. I know that it won’t be easy. I know that I haven’t shed the last of my tears. I know that I’m going to be sick with nerves tomorrow when we drive an hour to my retinal evaluation. I know I won’t be able to sleep Thursday night before my c-section. I know.

But I also know that God will always be there with me and for me, and that at least gives me a measure of confidence that likely wouldn’t be there if I didn’t know it or believe it.

I’m stressed out and I feel myself buckling under the weight from time to time, but I believe it.

Let Go, & Let God.

Sometimes you just need a reminder.

Much love to all my friends! <3

Morning Glories : My Savior Cares!

"In God is my salvation and my glory:
the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God."
Psalm 62:7

I have always loved this verse and love to pass it along to friends or family who are going through a hard time. It is a verse that is filled with comfort. You can see here that God is our solace. He is the harbor in the tempest, the calm in the storm. God is immovable and never changing and that makes Him dependable in all situations.

Sometimes we go through life and we may feel lost, but God is the beacon of light guiding us safely to the harbor. But we have to look for Him. We know in Matthew 6 Jesus tells us that we don’t have to worry about the things of this life if we seek after God first and foremost in our lives. When we are dealing with the pain of loss or suffering, God is our rock of strength and He is our refuge.

The greatest way to seek that refuge is within the Holy Scriptures and to come to God in prayer. Let Him speak to you through the Word, and then speak to Him humbly in prayer.

“Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”
1 Peter 5:7

In your time of trial, God cares for you. Don’t forget that!

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress,
And the way grows weary and long?

Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?

Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?

Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks—
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?

Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

Have a blessed day! If you need prayers, please don’t hesitate to let me know. I would be honored to pray for you.

Morning Glories: Be Still

“Be still, and know that I am God:”
Psalm 43:10a

There are some times in our life when we can easily lose our heads and our minds in situations. There are times when you feel lost and alone and feel as if you are in the depths of despair. These words from our Heavenly Father should be words that we use to comfort ourselves. “Be still, and know that I am God.”

Find comfort and calm in knowing that God is always in control. Sometimes things happen in our life that we can’t understand and we can’t control and we can’t keep from happening because that’s just how things are sometimes. But know that God is still God, He is still in control, and we can still lean on Him and draw comfort from Him.

Pass it on! If you know someone who is hurting, in any way, pass the words along to them. I hope you will all have a blessed day!

what I am vs. what I am not

It's time for me to be honest.

That's not to say that I've been dishonest. I haven't been. Well, not with you. I may have been dishonest with myself, but I'm happy to say that I have cleared the air with myself. And now I want to make sure you all know something about me.

I know a lot of people out there have been commenting on how well I have been doing with what has been going on. I know a lot of people have been impressed with my attitude and have commended me for it. But I just want you to know something. I'm not always so optimistic. I have more ups than downs, that's for sure, but my downs are way down there. I mean, waaaay down there.

I have had moments where I have been overcome with worry so much that I have broken down in tears. I have had moments where I have been so angry that this is happening and about the way that it has happened! I have had moments where I would think, "Why us, of all people?!" I have been so overwhelmed by the amount of cardboard boxes and stuff to pack that I have felt like throwing my hands up and throwing in the towel. I've felt like venting, like blogging, like writing a letter to whom it may concern. I've felt like screaming and crying and secluding and giving up.

It's times like these that I mostly find myself in prayer. It's times like these that I remind myself of one of Carl's sermons called "What to do when life isn't fair", most importantly step one of such process: Lose Your Pride. "Who am I to be above suffering?"

There it is, Kristen, you've been prideful. You've been prideful and you need to get over yourself.

I am not above suffering. I am not "so good" that I shouldn't have to endure hardships or trials. I'm not "so independent" that I should feel bad when I have no choice but to take someone up on their offer of help. I have been kicking myself and kicking myself for having to most likely go live with my parents. I have been telling myself what a burden we will be and who knows how long we'll be there to burden them!?

And yet never have my parents ever acted in such a way that I should have ever thought that it would be a burden to them for us to stay a spell with them.

It's just my pride, and I've got to lose it.

Who am I to be above suffering?

I am not.

but I am okay.

Attitude

I am blogging with a headache. I feel like I've had a headache since the first of the year because we have been through the wringer it seems. I've been so emotional - a whirlwind of tears and upsets and everything it seems! I seriously have not been involved in so much drama in such a short amount of time! Last night when something else surfaced, I started thinking "This too? Why??" trying to understand why I've been having to deal with so much stuff concerning family and friends and even strangers. Sometimes it just gets overwhelming, especially when you've got so much other stuff going on in your life.

But then today I was thinking (in the shower - that is my absolute favorite place to think because it just seems to drown everything else out) and talking to God about it. I came to my own conclusion that perhaps God is trying to teach me how to conduct myself when I come to situations like the ones I've had to deal with. Perhaps I'm getting a lesson in grace and mercy, as well as maintaining a Christian Attitude. I've been reading a book (if you noticed in my sidebar) about the Christian Attitude and many things that hinder us from having an acceptable attitude (Anger, Self Image). I don't think I could have chosen a better study topic for myself to help me through my trials.

Anyway, that's just what's been on my mind lately. I hope you all have been having a wonderful weekend, and have a blessed Lord's Day tomorrow. I don't know about you, but I am so ready to worship God in the morning with the Saints!

Oh, and if this doesn't cheer me up, I don't know what could!