That's not to say that I've been dishonest. I haven't been. Well, not with you. I may have been dishonest with myself, but I'm happy to say that I have cleared the air with myself. And now I want to make sure you all know something about me.
I know a lot of people out there have been commenting on how well I have been doing with what has been going on. I know a lot of people have been impressed with my attitude and have commended me for it. But I just want you to know something. I'm not always so optimistic. I have more ups than downs, that's for sure, but my downs are way down there. I mean, waaaay down there.
I have had moments where I have been overcome with worry so much that I have broken down in tears. I have had moments where I have been so angry that this is happening and about the way that it has happened! I have had moments where I would think, "Why us, of all people?!" I have been so overwhelmed by the amount of cardboard boxes and stuff to pack that I have felt like throwing my hands up and throwing in the towel. I've felt like venting, like blogging, like writing a letter to whom it may concern. I've felt like screaming and crying and secluding and giving up.
It's times like these that I mostly find myself in prayer. It's times like these that I remind myself of one of Carl's sermons called "What to do when life isn't fair", most importantly step one of such process: Lose Your Pride. "Who am I to be above suffering?"
There it is, Kristen, you've been prideful. You've been prideful and you need to get over yourself.
I am not above suffering. I am not "so good" that I shouldn't have to endure hardships or trials. I'm not "so independent" that I should feel bad when I have no choice but to take someone up on their offer of help. I have been kicking myself and kicking myself for having to most likely go live with my parents. I have been telling myself what a burden we will be and who knows how long we'll be there to burden them!?
And yet never have my parents ever acted in such a way that I should have ever thought that it would be a burden to them for us to stay a spell with them.
It's just my pride, and I've got to lose it.
Who am I to be above suffering?
I am not.
but I am okay.
You are beautiful. And so is your picture.
ReplyDeleteYou will be okay and it is okay to have questions. We arent losing Marks job right now but the fact that he is hurt and not making any money is really stressful, but we have questions and praying really works. I know you know that and I can imagine this is really hard for you, we are praying for your family and all good things come to those who love the Lord. I know your family will make it through this. I think that we all have challanges in life whatever they made be but dont feel bad about have questions or feel quilty about asking them, its not like you dont believe you and your family will be okay but God knows you and Carls hearts and knows you are only human and are acting like a human. I hope the best for you and I am a believe in things happen for a reason and maybe Gods plans are for you to find another home and spread more seeds of Gods word someplace else. I hope to see you and your family more when you make it up here. Love you lots and keep your chin up things will get better.
ReplyDeleteIt is a hard situation you all are in and I was there 3 years ago, just had given birth to Molly. I am still there some days where I want to tell people off back there, and show them how well we are doing now. God is preparing you for something big, sometimes he has to break us before we can really see what the next phase is. It sucks, it really does. Praying for you all!!
ReplyDeleteHang in there and remember "This too shall pass". I can honestly say I have been there (we are now at our 3rd congregation since preaching school). There were times when I thought how are we going to make it, but we did. In a short time you will be able to look back and this will all be in the past. We love y'all!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much! I am so glad {in a way, you know what I mean} that we are not the only ones who have had to deal with this! We love y'all too!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Kate!!! We really appreciate the prayers!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jen, I really appreciate it! I hope we see y'all when we are up there!
ReplyDelete<3 thank you Julie :)
ReplyDeletethank you Hannah <3
ReplyDeleteI know it probably took alot to post this Kristen, but you're a great example to us all, especially for doing it. <3
ReplyDeleteIt IS easy to be prideful...but it says more to be strong enough to admit it. I like this post. And I like you. And I like knowing that you'll be ok. I love you my dear.
ReplyDeleteKristen, I think it is ok for you to be having these different emotions. They may not be the ones you want to have at the moment. But, afterall, God gave you these emotions as well as the happy ones, the confident ones, etc. Its ok to feel this way, just as long as you know that you have them, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and say "Ok, I'm ready to move on God with your help". I was having a moment, but now help me in the way I should go! And, I believe God will do this for you b/c you and your family put God first and love to live a life pleasing to God. You are Christians 100% of the time, not just during church service hours. You LIVE the LIFE! I think God says its ok, Kristen, I hear your prayers and I understand why you are feeling this way. I gave you those emotions. Just know that you can feel them and then we can move on together".
ReplyDeleteIf you were perfect 100% of the time and didnt have the occasional melt down, uncertain, stress, I need to really vent here moments, you wouldnt need God. And, we all need God in our life, even the ones who walk a close walk, who strive to be the kind of Christian the Bible tells us about.
I have to remind myself of this as well. Going through the house fire, the stress, the craziness, I felt I was gonna lose it. I think that God loves me anyway even when I wasnt my best. And, I know that I will try to act in a way that pleases him. After these feelings I would feel so guilty for even bothering God with such things, yet I do believe God looks at my problems as Kim's problems and doesnt compare them they way I do to others problems. Cause even though there are much bigger problems out there to be had, my problems are just that, my problems. And He careth for me. So, Cast all your Cares upon HIM b/c he careth for you! What a mouthful uh? Sorry, havent "talked" in a while to ya. Hope you and fam are well! And by the way, you are an inspiration, even in your times of "admission of pride". You just layed it all out there and all I can say is WOW, what a great inspiration....again.
I think your reaction is completely normal. We questions things, we question God. He's not phased a bit! God will work out everything in the end. It's the in between that sucks.
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