buckling.

I am so stressed out.

For a while I thought I was doing pretty well with my stress. My antidepressants have helped me keep a rational head on most of the time. I haven’t had nearly as many meltdowns as I thought I perhaps would. I haven’t been freaking out about my c-section and have actually been looking forward to it – not because I don’t think it’s a big deal but because I know it will be so much better for me physically and mentally than trying a normal birth again. I’ve been trying to have a good attitude about my eye problem that just popped up out of nowhere. I’ve done my very best to take all our car issues that we’ve had in the past few months in stride, as well as Benjamin’s new asthma diagnosis. I have been trying really hard to just trust in God to take care of us no matter what. I’ve leaned on Him and on our wonderful friends here and on my amazing husband and my loving family back in Georgia so much that I know if I tried to stop, I’d probably fall flat on my face. And I guess that isn’t a bad thing.

But I’ve gotten to the point where I just feel like there is too much going on right now. How much more of this can I handle? How much more will I be expected to handle? How am I supposed to be able to get through all of this, and care for a newborn, and recover from a c-section? What happens if my eye issue is a lot worse than we thought it was, or what if something goes wrong with the c-section, or what if something is wrong with baby C…

What if, what if, what if???

I know that a lot of my fears are unfounded. I know that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I struggle with high anxiety. I know I worry myself too much about little things or things that really have no reason to be worried over in the first place. I know that I have an amazing support system and God is heading it up.

I’m trying to adjust my sails in these storms. I’ve certainly not perfected this, but I’m trying. I know that it won’t be easy. I know that I haven’t shed the last of my tears. I know that I’m going to be sick with nerves tomorrow when we drive an hour to my retinal evaluation. I know I won’t be able to sleep Thursday night before my c-section. I know.

But I also know that God will always be there with me and for me, and that at least gives me a measure of confidence that likely wouldn’t be there if I didn’t know it or believe it.

I’m stressed out and I feel myself buckling under the weight from time to time, but I believe it.