why do you always call me your baby?

This morning, Benjamin asked me a question: “Mom, why do you always call me your baby?”

I told him it was because I loved him and never wanted him to grow up. He told me that he wanted to grow up big like daddy, and I asked him if it bothered him that I called him my baby. He told me that it did.

My heart sank a little when he said that.

Okay, it sank a lot.

I have known for a while that this was coming. He would no longer want to be called my baby. He would no longer want to cuddle and snuggle under the covers like he used to. I had thought that I’d been preparing myself for this, but this morning, I was not prepared. I wanted to squeeze him and tell him that no matter what, he was still going to be my baby, and he didn’t have to like it. That’s just the way it is. Always my baby.

Instead, I asked him if I could call him my big boy, and he said that I could. That is, after all, what he is. He’s big enough to dress himself. Big enough to turn on lights by himself. Big enough to use the bathroom alone. Big enough to sleep in his big, full-sized bed without any rails. Big enough to walk through Walmart without having to hold a hand constantly.

He’s a big boy. He’s four years old. He wants to do things on his own. He doesn’t want to be a baby anymore.

But you know… I hate to break it to Benjamin, but he is always going to be my baby. I remember the first few minutes after his birth, as everything around me went black and all I could hear was the quiet panic of the nurses around me as they scrambled to stop my bleeding and tried to find my pulse. For a short moment, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would not get to truly meet my baby boy because there was nothing they could do to stop the bleeding, so I thought.

The baby boy I thought I’d never get to hold again will always be my baby boy.

So, don’t tell Benjamin, but I am secretly going to keep calling him my baby. Because he always will be.

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

the many faces of Clara.

I think one of my most frequent forms of entertainment during the day has to be Clara’s expressions. For whatever reason, she is one of the most expressive babies I have ever known, and quite frequently her expressions are hilarious. I know a lot of you have seen me share pictures of her faces… I decided to make a post of a few pictures displaying her crazy faces, and some of her not-so-crazy ones as well. Enjoy!

The bow obviously freaked her out…

The first one she was listening intently to Star Wars music… the second, it put her to sleep.

Always soaking everything up…

If looks could kill…

*wink*

Say WHAAAAT?

Her mouth under the hood is like “uuuhhh???” ha!

Just some random cute faces…

DRAMA.

Sweet smile…

A slightly crazy-looking gleam there…

I don’t even know how to caption the first one… but the second one was her grinning at me as I cracked up at her face in the first one! She likes to laugh along with the “joke”.

 

If she continues to give me some good faces {and I’m sure she will}, I’ll do more posts like these… because they’re fun. Ha!

Clara, you are two months old!

Wow, little girl! Time really has flown! But at the same time it feels like it’s been really slow as well. I suppose it’s just depending on what kind of day we’ve been having because girl, you sure know how to shake things up! There are some days where you won’t let me put you down for very long at all, and others where you’ll take long naps and let me get stuff done around the house. I don’t know which is my preference, because I do like the cuddles! You’re certainly more cuddly than Benjamin – and I thought he would be the ultra cuddly one.

It’s amazing how much you’ve grown in just a month. You’re holding your head up a lot better now and your sleeping is a lot more predictable. Maybe it’s just that I’m getting more used to your schedule and knowing what your cries mean… either way, we’ve seemed to fall into more of a routine lately. Sleep, wake up, eat, change diaper, play, {fuss}, sleep… and do it all over again! My favorite time is when you’re awake and alert to play! It’s fun watching you discover things – such as this week you’ve begun to discover your hands, and it’s been fun watching you learning how to put your hands to your mouth. I’m sure soon we’ll be fighting little things out of your tiny fists before you stuff them into your mouth! You’ve been smiling and trying to laugh more, and we just think it’s the cutest thing! You like to play with Daddy when he turns on some swing and makes you “dance”. You think it’s funny and you’ll just grin and grin at him as he bounces you around. Maybe someday I’ll get a good video of it.

You are doing better in your car seat than you have been, and you actually cry sometimes when we pull you out of your bouncer! Next we need to work on you liking your swing so you can have fun in that! I’m also super excited that we’ll be getting a little pool for you and Benjamin to play in, so we can see if you like the water as much as he does!

It is so fun to see the different changes in you, Clara Grace! We are so blessed to have you as our daughter! I never thought I’d ever be a mommy to a little girl but I am so thankful that I am, because you are a precious treasure to me! {and your hilarious expressions provide endless entertainment for me – thanks!}

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And just for fun, Benjamin at 2 months and Clara at 2 months:

I know a lot of people have been saying that they look similar and everything, and I guess in some ways they do look similar {same nose for instance}, but looking at these pictures, I think they are completely different. But, maybe that’s just me! At any rate, God has blessed me with some beautiful children, that’s for sure!

georgia on my mind!

One of my favorite weekends to visit back home in Georgia is Mothers’ Day weekend, which also normally happens to be the weekend that my dad’s birthday falls on. I love going and being with my parents on both of these very special days. It is so special to be able to celebrate this special “holiday” together with my mom… and I love that it is on a Sunday because worshiping with them at New Hope Road is one of my favorite things, too.

Since I haven’t blogged in a while and haven’t shared photos in a while as well, here are some wonderful photos from our weekend in Georgia! Enjoy!

We stopped first at LegoLand Discovery Center in Atlanta… Can you tell who was most excited??

It was really fun!

My dad and Clara. He grabbed her any chance he got!

Clara at the Yellow River Game Ranch, where we went for my dad’s birthday.

This ride-on toy is sooooo old!!

See…?

Benjamin chasing a chicken, for real. Ha!

I wore Clara in her sling for some of the day.

Mothers’ Day morning with my family! Aren’t we a good lookin’ bunch?

I loooove my little family!!!

My grandma got to meet her first Great-Granddaughter :)

I love my beautiful mom!

It was such a great trip… I can’t wait to go back!! I’m already dreaming up plans!!

perfect timing.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you have something weighing heavily on your mind and then all of the sudden, something someone says or does, or perhaps something you see, is exactly what you needed at that very moment?

This just happened to me.

I had seriously opened up Windows Live Writer to write a blog post to open up a bit about how my PTSD/depression had been “treating me” lately.

It’s better than before, most of the time. I get up and take my antidepressant every day {I think… I’m so tired that some days I can’t remember whether or not I’ve taken it} and can’t help but feel a little resentful toward that little pill for having to “rely” on it to be able to function. When it was prescribed to me, I felt the same way… defeated and irritated at myself for having to take medication for something I didn’t fully understand, and still don’t sometimes.

But there are times when my anxiety gets the better of me, still. It makes me feel a little over protective of Clara, especially in the evenings when she is extra fussy. Her crying makes my anxiety spike a bit and I admit that pretty much every night, I will end up in tears myself because the anxiety is overwhelming.

I think I’ve sort of closed in on myself again. The focus isn’t on me, it’s on Clara, and my problems just have to be tucked away until there’s a more ‘convenient’ time to deal with them. I know I shouldn’t do this. I know it only makes it worse. Dealing with this makes me feel so isolated, like nobody understands me. It’s hard when you feel like you have to fight something alone, when a lot of days it feels bigger than you.

Which brings me around to what I was talking about earlier, coming across something at the right time. I was looking on Facebook {as Clara was crying and making my anxiety spike just a little more} and came across an image with this caption: “Are you discouraged or feeling alone? Please know you never out of God's sight. (Psalm 139:3) God loves you.”

 

I needed that tonight. I’m not as isolated as I think, and God is way bigger than my anxieties and setbacks. He’s way bigger than that little pill and I rely on Him, not it.

Sometimes I lose sight of this, but thank God He never loses sight of me.

Clara, you are one month old!

Oh sweet baby girl. I can’t believe it has been one month already since you were born. It’s gone by fast but it’s also gone by slow, depending on what we’ve had going on. I’d love to say that we’ve found a nice routine, but every time I think we do, you seem to switch it up on us a little bit. Of course, I know that’s just how you little babies roll. Mommy just needs to remember how to roll with it.

So far, you are up to 9lbs 2oz, at least at your last appointment. You don’t go back until you are two months old, so hopefully you’ll have gained more by then as well. You are still wearing some newborn clothes but you’re starting to get into your 0-3 month clothes because you’re getting a little long for the newborn size.

Smiles are very rare but very sweet when you happen to give them. You’re finding that you can make noises without crying. You’re grasping more and staying awake for longer periods of time {it’d be awesome if this wasn’t between 2 and 6 am, just saying…}. You look around for voices when you hear them and your head control is really impressive!

You don’t like being manipulated into anything, like clothes, your car seat, your swing buckle, and anything else that forces you to put your arms or legs through something. Hopefully soon you’ll get used to your seat and everything so you don’t flip out when we have to go somewhere.

You love to look at Benjamin when he is around and I think it is so sweet how you will turn to look at him when he is near, talking to you. He loves you so much and I can tell that you love him as well.

Hopefully soon we’ll do better with our fussy nights. Really, though, we are blessed that all we really have to deal with is a few hours of fussiness as you fight sleep. Thank you for reminding me that there are things more important than cleaning house, such as loving on my babies and soaking up those precious moments.

“half blind”.

I’ve been getting a lot of people asking me how my eye is doing since I really haven’t been talking much about it as I’ve had a much cuter subject to talk about recently… I figured I’d give you all an update, although it really isn’t much of one.

My eye is pretty much the same. Some days are better, some days are worse, depending on what I do or even how I slept the night before. Basically the way my retina doctor described it was as if it were a pool of muddy water. The more I do, the more “stirred up” it gets and the more visible the hemorrhage is in my eye, the blurrier my vision, etc. I don’t know if I’m just getting used to the way it looks with the hemorrhage in my vision, or if it’s actually reabsorbing, but some days it seems like there is less blood blocking my vision.

I never made it back to my retina doctor because they wanted to do a dye test on me, and the dye would stay in my system for three days – meaning that I would have to pump three days’ worth milk for Clara before hand, and then pump and dump for three days afterward. Since this eye problem isn’t getting any worse, and doesn’t seem detrimental, we decided to put it off until it seems more “doable” for us.

So … that’s where we are. It’s annoying, but I guess you take what you’re given, right?

Here are a few things that are really hard to do when you’re “half blind”, in case you were wondering:

• Putting on makeup. Especially eye makeup, especially on my right eye since I can’t see what I’m doing, at all. So if you see me and my right eye makeup looks like Benjamin applied it… it’s because it’s like putting on make up while having to look into the dirtiest mirror possible. Oh, and without any depth perception. So eye-stabbing with eyeliner is inevitable.
• Painting fingernails/toenails. Even if I close one eye to try and concentrate on my nails, it’s really difficult to gauge distance when I really don’t have any depth perception. Seriously my nails look hilarious if I don’t take my time, and I mean a LOT of time.
• Cooking. Pouring things oftentimes results in things being spilled all over the counter. This is another thing I have to be careful to take my time doing… nobody wants undercooked food because the cook couldn’t see it. Chopping things? That’s scary. I’m afraid I’ll cut my finger off whenever I start chopping.
• Sweeping/Vacuuming. I miss a lot of the small things when I vacuum or sweep now. {Of course, I don’t vacuum right now because our amazing vacuum is a little heavy and I don’t want to set myself back in my recovery}. And no, this isn’t an excuse for having dirty floors! ha!
• Dishes. Seriously not fun reaching into the dishwasher and hoping you grab the right end of a knife!
• Reading. It’s so hard for my eyes to focus that I can’t read for long periods of time. And typing? Worse. This blog post alone has taken a few days for me to put together! Yes, it’s that bad!

However… no matter how difficult things get, I am thankful that it isn’t worse. I was so afraid when I went to the retina doctor that he would say I had indicators of retinitis pigmentosa, which is an eye disease that my mother has. Thankful to God that he said there was no indication of RP!

So now, we wait to see if my eye will reabsorb the blood, or if I will need to have it drained surgically and filled with saline… gross, I know. Blah. I hate thinking of it.

In case you were wondering… things that are difficult while holding a clingy newborn while you are nearly half-blind:

• Everything.